Early July - 2004

It's actually July 4th, and I really don't have any special plans for the day other than to relax, and later watch the fireworks.  I'd love to be in Washington, DC to watch the public fireworks, or maybe Boston.  But since I didn't make any plans to travel to either location, I will just have to enjoy watching it on television. 

My weekend started late Friday night with a visit to a local dance club called "Z109."   Z109, is the only club in the area that is considered to be a TG club, as there are usually a lot of girls there on Saturday night. I've been around this area for 20 years and over that time I have seen this place change.  The first time I went to this place it was just a regular Gay dance club, that was probably in 1987 then the club was known as "Triangles."  It wasn't much of a club in those days and so I never went back.  In late 1999 I revisited the place only now it was called "Lost and Found."  Other than the name not much had changed except that in 1999 there were a lot more TG's.  Although there are a few other clubs and bars that are TG friendly, for some reason this one became the Mecca for locals.  Early in 2003 the club changed owners, changed the club name to "Lost Boys," and began to refurbish the place.  At the same time the new owner tried to drive the TG's away, and as the club became less TG friendly it also began to lose the gay and alternative customers.  One Saturday night the entire Drag Show cast was let go, and the following week the place closed.  Last fall a local couple, Amber a TG, and her wife Sally reopened the club calling it Z109. Since the reopening the club is once again gaining a reputation as a Mecca for the Transgender and their admirers.  The club is more than that, as it a place where anyone can go to for fun and good times. The new name comes from the current owners background in radio, and since there is no FM station at that frequency, hence the signs state "Club Z109 is just off the dial."  I normally don't go out on Friday nights, but I was meeting someone and Z109 is always a good place to meet.  I was honestly surprised at the number girls out, but even better I now know that I should look at Friday nights as an alternative night to go out, or as one more night I have a place to go and have fun.

Anyway, the whole point of going out Friday was to meet with a guy name Frank.  Frank and I have exchanged emails off and on for about two years, so finally he was in the area and I was free that night.  It was late evening when we finally met face to face and I must say that Frank is just as much a gentleman in person, as he had been communicating through emails.  We spent the next few hours discussing a variety of subjects, primarily being Transgender and politics, and we briefly watched the talent night contest.  Although I often am approached by men at this club, I am for the most part polite and let them know that I am not interested.  It is sometimes flattering, and sometimes it can be annoying, as you get the opportunity to experience what it must be like for women.  It can also be humorous, especially when I think back on how I often approached women in clubs and bars with only one thought on my mind.  I am never offended when I am complimented by a man, or women when I am dressed, however I don't have to take abuse either.  It is only natural that a single female or CD out at a club would be looking for a man and whatever, and although this may be true for some it is not true for everyone.  Someone asked me recently why I like to dress as a female and go out?  Now there is I am sure some long technical reason that would explain why, but I really don't need to know that, or try to explain my reasons, other than to say I enjoy it and the enjoyment is much more fun when you have someplace to go and be with others that perhaps feel the same way as I do.  As state on my index page the fact that I enjoy dressing completely as a female, has nothing to do with my sexual preference, and the fact that I often go out to a local club does not mean that I am horny.  Sometimes it's just nice to be with a gentleman, and just enjoy a good conversation.   Thank you for the evening Frank!

Mid July - 2004

Now why I am smiling?  Well, I'm smiling because in less than a week I will be traveling to Houston, Texas and meeting up with my sisters CAT, Samantha, Dee, Susan, and Jewel, as well as many other girls.  We will all be attending CAT's, "4th Annual Traveling T-Girls Summertime Road Party."  This is my mid summer vacation and warm up for SCC in late September.  

Part of the fun of this trip is getting ready, and so Friday I got a pedicure and a new polish, "Chick Flick Cherry," and on Saturday I had my eyebrows waxed and they look great.  I will get my nails done in Houston on Thursday and I am using my real names for this trip, no acrylic tips and no press-on nails for this trip. Departing from my normal chaos of getting ready, I am traveling light.  Three nights and two days means four outfits and 5 pairs of shoes.  No, I haven't packed but it's only Sunday and everything I want to take I have already laid out. 

My Saturday night was kind of strange, as I thought I was suppose to meet someone at Z109, however somehow we didn't communicate our intentions and so didn't plan on going out at all.  Then later in the evening I was bored sitting home and decided what the hell.  Normally I have been getting my nails done whenever I plan to go out, so last night at 8PM it was just a little late to do that and so I had to do them myself, and to my surprise I did almost as good as the salon.  Of course it was midnight before I got to the club, and if someone was there waiting on me I surely missed them and if so I do apologize.  Anyway, I hung out until closing, then headed home just before the thunderstorms came through.  Not wanting to pass up a good photo opportunity, I changed clothes and did some new photos, so if you are interested there are a few new ones located in the gallery pages.  There won't be any photo updates next week because I will be on the road, but I suspect that I will have a few new photos from the trip, and probably a new photo page.

I hope that everyone is having a wonderful summer, See Ya!

Late July - 2004

I'm back, and all I can say is that this years road party was a total success as the previous three have been.  Of course living out of a suitcase for three days is a real pain, and yes I forgot my makeup mirror and had to make do with the mirror in the hotel room, which in most cases are terrible for putting on makeup.  Samantha offered to let me use hers, which was very nice, but didn't want to inconvenience her. Despite these inconveniences I would much rather be with CAT and Samantha on one of these trips, than hanging out at home and missing their company.  As for pictures, I did take a few photos and after looking at them when I got home, I didn't like any of them, and so I won't be posting them on the web site.  However, CAT took lots of photos Friday and Saturday night and when she sends them to me I will look through them and see what she sends me.  Hopefully my luck was better with her photos and if so, then I will post some at a later date and mention it on the update page.  

As for the details of this years road party I won't go into them.  I will say that this years party consisted of going out to several different places in Houston, Austin and then returning to Houston. I have to say that this one was probably the best one to date, as we covered a lot of ground not just in traveling between the two cities, but in the places we ate and partied.  Starting Thursday evening around 8pm in Houston, then heading to Austin the following day, then returning to Houston on Saturday and ending the party around 5am Sunday morning.  None of us got much sleep, between traveling between Houston and Austin, and then back to Houston. But then we never do get much sleep during these road  parties because the idea is to party, and we can always sleep when we get home, which exactly what I did.  As soon as I put my bags down at home in Tampa, I passed out.  At breakfast Sunday morning someone suggested that next year we could do it all again, but this time maybe in Tampa and Orlando.

Early August - 2004

Finally after a two week rest I felt good enough to do some photo updates, which I hope that you will enjoy.  Originally I intended on going out last night, as I have not been out since returning from Texas.  However we have been having some intermittent thunder storms this past week and I hate getting wet, regardless of whether I have an umbrella or not.  Anyway, I got dressed to go out then waited for the rain to stop, which it finally did around midnight.  Of course by that time I was no longer interested making the 30 minute drive, knowing that the club closed at 2am.  So, when I'm all dressed up and not in the mood to go out, there is only one thing left to do and that's take some pictures.

Speaking of getting dressed up, this weekend I was looking through my closet, or should I say Lauren's closet, as most of the clothes are hers; I couldn't help but notice that I have so much that now would be a good time to do some mixing and matching, and maybe some recycling of photos.  I deleted a lot of photos when I redid my web site and now might be a good time to do some new photos with some old outfits.  When I first started doing photos the idea was to shoot pictures of me in everything I wore, but somehow that idea kind of faded away.  So, rather than go out and buy something new each week, I will look at what I have and if it's not already on the web site then I will do some photos in what I've already got.  As much as I like to shop, and as much as I like new clothes, right now would be a good time to save some money, as SCC is fast approaching in late September and I will definitely need a few new things for that event. Lets see, SCC is about seven weeks away, so that should keep me out of the malls until I really need to go shopping.

Early September -  2004

It's been about one month since I have done anything on the web site, and about the same amount of time since I have dressed and gone out.  These last few weeks have been just a little stressful based on the weather, so I have not been focused on Lauren as much as I have on Hurricanes and how they totally disrupt the lives of people.  In the area in which I live we have been very fortunate that we have not suffered the devastation that has occurred in other parts of the state. The lost of human life being the most important, followed by the enormous property damage and then the long process of recovery and getting peoples lives back together sometimes seems overwhelming to me.  I have lived in Florida for more than 20 years now and to the best of my memory this has been the worse Hurricane season I have gone through.  During hurricane "Charley" I was a little complacent until I watched the reports and saw that it was heading towards where I live.  I considered evacuating to Orlando, but didn't.  As it turned out the storm passed through that area and did a lot of damage.  During hurricane Frances, people evacuated from the east coast and headed this way, only to discover that there was no place to go, as the west coast was still cleaning up from Charley.  Even so, the size of this storm covered the entire state and so regardless of where you evacuated, the storm touched many places in the state.  Now just more than a week after Frances, once again those of us on the west coast are faced with the possibility of a third hurricane, "Ivan," which is coming towards us with as much power as if not more than the first two.  People are taking this quite seriously and are preparing.  In the event that this one continues to track towards this area, I suspect that I will evacuate to the middle of the state or further to the northeast just to be on the safe side.

Last night, all thoughts of hurricanes and bad weather gave way to getting dressed and going out.  My friends CAT and Sabrina were visiting town for one night and so we all met for a few hours of fun and good times.  There's not much going on here socially, however in just a few weeks we will be traveling to Atlanta for SCC, which is something special to look forward too.  For the next couple of weeks I will be looking at what I want to do at the conference and of course what clothes I will need for each of the three days I will be there.  Unlike previous years I do not plan on buying a lot of new things, as I have everything I need already.  Of course I will have to do some shopping, but only for those items that are absolutely necessary. 

 Late September -  2004

If your tired of hearing me whining about hurricanes, well frankly so am I.  Ivan is history and Jeanne just went north of us this past weekend and is now dumping rain on Georgia and the Carolinas. Watching the news it is often depressing, but this is just part of life and part of what we sometimes have to deal with here in Florida, just like the Droughts, Tornados, and Blizzards in other parts of the nation.  Anyway, it's now late September and in just a couple of days I will be traveling to Atlanta and participating in another SCC.  As of now I know that some of my old friends will not be making the trip this year and I will miss seeing them.  However, I know of some new friends that will be there for their first time, and I hope to help make their first SCC as wonderful as it was for me.  I am taking my camera and I promise to take some photos, not just of me, but of others and when I get back I will add an SCC 2004 page to the web site.  Also I will be introducing a new photo page called "Girls Night Out or GNO" This is a new name for my old "On The Town" pages.  There won't be as many photos,  but I at least wanted you to know that I still do go out, I just don't take pictures like I used too.  I hope everyone has a wonderful week and I ask that you say a prayer for those who have been affected by these hurricanes and storms; and while your at it please say a prayer for our service members so far away, and for their families here at home and waiting!

Early October - 2004

Well I'm back from Atlanta and another SCC, which by the way was the best one I have attended so far.  The turn out was great, I suspect it was larger than last year and the as usual it appeared that everyone had a lot of fun.  There were a few people missing that I really would have loved to see, but at the same time I understand that these people are busy and SCC may not be on their list of things to do this year.  Anyway, there were a lot of old friends I hadn't seen since the last SCC and I met some new friends as I do every year.  As always my sister and best friend CAT was busy doing her thing and even my other best friend and older sister Samantha was able to attend Saturday for the Southern Belles reception and the evening banquet.  Looking as nice as ever, but still refusing to surrender her only temporary title as "Shoe Queen", I was very disappointed.  This was my 5th SCC and as I said this one was the best for me, partly because the SCC Board and the committee seemed to really bust their butts, coming up with a great theme and making sure that everything ran as smoothly as possible.  And as usual the hotel and the staff at the Sheraton Midtown were very hospitable and professional.

There was one point when I overheard someone comment, "So this is SCC," and saying it in a way that seemed as though they were disappointed.  Maybe they expected bells and whistles, which often happens for many newcomers, but that is not what SCC is, at least not to me.  Southern Comfort Conference offers those that register and participate an opportunity to share their life experiences with others.  It is a place where members of the Transgender community can come and meet in an environment that is both friendly and safe.  It is a place where you or your spouse can get an education on what it means to be Transgender, or a place where you or your spouse can educate others.  The Transgender community is like the world, very diverse; and so is SCC.  Where ever you may be within the community there are those at SCC that you can relate too on the same level.  SCC is a place where you can express yourself, maybe unlike you have never done before, or a place where you can learn to accept yourself and others and become proud if not necessarily open about who and what you are.  SCC is a place you can come and meet old friends and make knew friends for a few days or a life time.  SCC isn't responsible for me having fun, SCC just gives me an opportunity to get together with 500 other members of the Transgender community and then it is up to me to open my mind, open my heart, and lighten up!

Late October - 2004

Over the past two weeks I have felt like I was on some kind of emotional roller coaster.  Usually after returning from SCC I go through a few days of sadness as I come back to the reality of going back to work as a male and at the same time retaining those memories of being completely feminine.  I see an attractive and nicely dressed female and I smile.  I smile because I know that sometimes I present the same image, although it requires a lot more effort on my part to do so.  Not being able to dress this way everyday is not the problem, as I am realistic about what I do and I'm not into working hard everyday to look like a female.  After all this is supposed to be fun, and not a lot of work.   What has caused me to experience this emotional roller coaster is my desire for a close relationship with another human being.  To be more specific a long term romantic relationship with someone that accepts me for who and what I am.  

After two marriages and two divorces I reached the conclusion that having a long term romantic relationship with a female just wasn't going to work out for me.  There are just to many issues, complications. and there seems to be no room for compromise between us.  As for being with a man, I've tried that several times in the past, and a man just doesn't do a thing for me physically, or emotionally.  I like females, I like the way they look, I liked the way the smell, I like the fact that they are soft, and I like the fact that I can sometimes relate and empathize with their thoughts and feelings.  However, it has been my unpleasant experience that at some point the relationship becomes quite confusing especially when I cannot live up to their expectations of being a man.  In the end we both get pissed off at each other, and the relationship ends badly.

Last year while attending SCC I had an experience with another TG, which at the time was quite exciting for me.  For many years I have found myself having a physical attraction towards other TG's.  However, I have really not pursued this interest, as most of the girls I know are married, or have a physical attraction towards females, or men; and I am not giving up my wardrobe for any woman again ;-).  Anyway, I met someone last year at SCC that I was physically attracted too, but as it turned out they were unavailable for whatever the reason.  Still, the fact that I met someone left me with the hope that there were others like myself.  There is a euphemism for TG's like me, and that is that we are "Lesbians."  Cute and probably politically correct, but the bottom line is I am bisexual, but I only want to be with another TG, and one that is feminine.  Is this to much to ask for?  Is this just a fantasy for me, or is there someone in my future that wants this kind of a relationship? 

Now this year at SCC,  I had a similar experience meeting someone different,  and this time I became emotionally attracted to in just a very short period of time.  I think it was the beginning a good friendship and although this person may not be available, or interested in having more than a friendship, I have hope that there may be someone like this person in my future that is available, and is interested in a long term relationship.  Somewhere in the TG community there is a very special person, another feminine TG that I can have an honest and healthy relationship with. Someone that accepts being TG and is comfortable.  Someone that doesn't have a problem with the fact that I like having a smooth body, that I have two piercing in each ear, that I like getting my eyebrows waxed, and that  I like getting manicures and pedicures. Someone that doesn't mind that I like wearing perfume, make up, lingerie, and I that like wearing female clothing and can't resist a shoe sale.  Someone that knows what it means to be Transgender and wants to share their feelings and thoughts openly with someone that can accept them for who they are.  Someone that can accept me as a male to female Crossdresser, that sometimes likes being a male and doing male things, and sometimes likes dressing as a female and being feminine and pretty.

December - 2004

       Merry Christmas and Thank You!

Another year has passed, this being the 5th anniversary of my website being on line and as the greeting say I would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Thanks.  During this month I have not been very active in posting new photos or having much to say.  The fact is I haven't been dressing this month as I wasn't feeling well and therefore wasn't in the mood.  However, I expect that before the New Year I will have some new photos in some new clothes, as I was in the mood for shopping this month, especially with all of the sales going on at the malls.  Most of the new photos will be posed, however it looks like I will be around for a New Years celebration at the local club and so I will probably take my camera and get some GNO shots that evening as well.

As for my thoughts, I really don't have much to say about my personal life as Lauren.  Most of what I have been thinking about has to do with politics, the election in November, and the war in Iraq.  I am over the politics and the election, but the war still remains and for the life of me I cannot understand what we think we are accomplishing.  Almost two years ago I supported going to war because at the time I believed there was an threat to the security of this country.  I even used the term "Clear and Present Danger."  Now here I am two years later and I have to eat my words because I have not seen any evidence or proof that this threat was real.  Not only do I now believe that the American people were misled, I also now believe that the people in charge didn't really have a clear understanding of what they were doing and who they were dealing with.  

It makes me sick to my stomach each time I hear that another American has died as a result of hostile action in Iraq, especially when I think back to another time and place less than 40 years ago when Americans were also dieing, and the people in charge were as incompetent then, as they are today!  Does anyone remember those times and does anyone care that the same thing is happening to another generation of American men and women?  Finally, please do not preach to me about winning freedom and establishing a democracy, as I heard that same "Bull Shit" Forty years ago from another President from Texas and his idiot Secretary of Defense!  

31 December - 2004

Happy New Year

As with the beginning of each new year it is my hope that I will awake each day grateful that God has given me another day of life and another day that I can do his will.  That I  begin that day with a positive attitude and try to be the best person that I can be!