Early October  - 2006

Well, it's been one week since my return from Atlanta, and this years Southern Comfort Conference is now a memory; and a very good memory as it was not only the largest conference to date but I saw what I think was the beginning of a new era for the conference.  This was the 16th conference and to me it seemed more diverse than ever, and I hope that this trend will continue to improve.  In past years there seemed not to be much representation by minorities, and as well as a falling off of attendance from our F2M Transmen.  I think that the SCC Board has recognized these things and is taking the necessary steps to make SCC inclusive to all members of the Transgender community.  Of course it is also important that we as individuals do our part in making the event a place where all who are transgender feel welcome and feel a part of.  I was particularly pleased to see a large number of young people attending, and when I say young, I mean late teens and early 20's.  Where as in the past there seem to be only the older members of the community in attendance, and that may be do to the cost of attending such a function.  I know that it may be hard for some to afford the cost of attending this function, but SCC has attempted to offer a variety of options thus making the conference available to as many people as possible have the opportunity to be registered and attend the many informative workshops and seminars that are scheduled during this event.

This year I had the opportunity to arrive early in the week.  I love Atlanta and as I drove up to the hotel late Tuesday afternoon, I could just feel that this was going to be a very special vacation.  I have to admit that I was surprised but delighted to see that there was already a lot of girls at the hotel and over the next couple of days I got to watch as the hotel filled with some familiar and some new faces.  I guess I never think about it but I know and have met a lot of people and nothing brings this out like a few days at SCC.  On Thursday night I attend a special dinner sponsored by the Vanity Club at Maggiano's restaurant.  As I was leaving I saw someone that I hold very special in my heart.  Her name is Rene and she is one of the nicest people I have ever met, not to mention the fact that she is also very beautiful.  I only get to see her once each year at SCC and unfortunately, she was not going to be around for the weekend and had just stopped by to say hello to some of her friends.  I only got to speak with her briefly before leaving for dinner, but when I returned she was still around, and us the chance to exchange some thoughtful conversation.  Well, maybe it wasn't that thoughtful as she ragged on me for my choice of associations with a certain group of people.  Regardless, I still love her and have a lot of respect for who she is and what she has done for the TG community.

Early November and back to SCC 2006

I did manage to put up a photo page for SCC 2006, mostly with the help of others who unlike me actually took a lot of photos of the event.  As I said in my earlier entry this year I noticed a lot more diversity in those who attended and that was probably one of the highlights of this years conference.  I also noticed that I spent more time talking with people I had never met and less time taking pictures and maybe a little less time talking to my old friends.  I attended the Vanity Club formal dinner on Thursday, and that was a wonderful experience except that after Thursday night I probably didn't see much of the girls for the remainder of the conference.  I did however get to meet and spend some time with John and Vickie from URNA a really great couple, and I got to meet a few of the GenderEvolve members, who BTW have a lot more energy than I do and seemed to always be going some place.  This year I actually spent more time with CAT and Samantha although they were both on tight schedules, and it was great seeing Breanna from Chicago after being absent for a few years.  Anna Nicole gave me a copy of her latest CD, which I think is pretty good music.  Monique from Ohio made a return to this years conference and helped organize the Southern Belle Reception, which BTW raised enough money to pay for two full scholarships for next years conference.  Then there was Britt and Tanya, who I shared a table with during one of the luncheons, two really lovely people who I hope to see sometime before next year as they both live in Florida.  Then there was KC Tyler, Karine, and Kathy as well as Isis and her huge digital camera which I am glad she brought with her. Oh yes, I also got to see Arianne again, which is two years in a row.  In short there were so many people this year and I am sure that I have missed naming many of them,  but hopefully I have at least one photo of them on the photo page as a reminder of SCC 2006. 

Early November - 2006

It's been more than a month since I began making this entry, as I got involved with other things in my life and completely forgot about what I wanted to write.  Now this goes back to a conversation that Renee and I have discussing for a couple of years now, and once again the subject came up at this years SCC but only briefly.  As usual after SCC I never think about it however I was speaking with Renee a couple of weeks ago and although the subject never came up I was reminded that I wanted to make a comment in my journal.  Besides our usual banner back and forth a some point the subject comes up about a certain Internet club that I belong too.  Now I do not believe for one moment that I am being judge for my involvement, but that the club is being criticized for it's membership practices.  Unlike most Internet groups or clubs, membership in this group is not automatic because you are Transgender.  Although any Transgender person can apply and become a member of this group, they must first be nominated by an active member, then voted on by the groups membership.  Now based on this policy of being nominated and voted on for membership, the group is considered to be exclusive rather than inclusive, and the members are sometimes referred to as a bunch of old "Bitches." So what, and who really cares? Not everyone nominated to this group becomes a member, which is disappointing to some, but not the end of the world for most.  So, not only does the group get a bad rap because of the nomination and voting process, but it is sometimes implied that those that do not become members are devastated, crushed, and as a result come away with low self-esteem.  Whoa, this is an Internet group and that's all it is.  It is no better or no worse than any of the other groups on the Internet, and I for one do not take being a member as a sign that I am someone special, nor do I consider the other member as being better than any other TG that I have come to know.  Besides, if being a member is that important, then a person who does not become a member the first time is more than welcome to reapply, which many of our members have done.  To place membership in this group or any other Internet group in such a high life priority doesn't strike me as being a very healthy goal.  Ironically, this group has no criteria for membership, so you don't have to be pretty, witty, or wise to become a member and it has been my personal experience that all that is necessary is that a person receive the required number of yes votes.  So, how did this one group become such a lofty goal for some while most members of the TG community have never heard of this group, and probably could care even less about being a member?  It was for me a personal choice to apply for membership and remain a member for the past 6 years.  However at some point I will move on like so many former members have done.  I will resign my membership, remove the logo from my web site, and go on with my life.  My life as a Transgender person really doesn't revolve around this particular club, or any other group that I may be associated with, but rather how I live my life as a Transgender person and any positive contributions I can make in my community.  Most Internet groups are purely social, a place to exchange photos and experiences and hopefully make a few friends, and this is how I see my involvement with Internet clubs and groups.  There are more than enough of these clubs and groups to satisfy the taste and interest of the entire community and no one club or group should be seen as THE club or group to be a part of, and most certainly membership in an Internet club or group should not be seen, or looked upon as source of validation as a Transgender person.  While the Internet has had a huge impact on the community in helping us to interact with each other around the world, there is much that can be done with those organizations which actively seek to gain or improve rights for Transgender people.  Even more important is what we as individuals can do for ourselves when we are out in the public, and have the opportunity to interact with the rest of world.  

January - 2008

Wow! It's been more than a year since I made my last entry and while a lot has been going on in my life, I really haven't thought much about sharing it.  I suppose the most important thing is that over the last couple of years I have begun to consider where I am going as far as being Transgender.  During the past couple of years I have been watching others and seeing the changes in their lives and at the same time seeing how I have also changed.  First of all I am Transgender whatever that means, but I am more specifically a Crossdresser and while there are those who don't care for labels personally I find it necessary for me to remember exactly what I am otherwise I become totally confused.  The word Transgender seems to have several sub categories which would include anyone who shares feelings or thoughts of both genders.  In my own thinking for the most part when I think about Transgender I think of Transsexuals and Crossdressers, Transsexuals who feel they are really female and would like to bring their minds and bodies together, and Crossdressers who just want to present a feminine appearance but never really think of themselves as being female.  I have met and know both and after many years I am probably just as confused today as I was years ago because the more contact I have with both the more blurred the lines become, at least for me!

I have always thought that being a Transsexual was about the gender where as being a Crossdresser was about the clothes.  I have a close friend who at times will tell me that they need to buy some clothes because often when we plan on doing something they don't have certain things.  My usual response to them is well if you were a Crossdresser you'd probably have everything you needed!  I then remind them that they are Transsexual and for them it's not the clothes that makes them a female, it's what's inside.  I also remind this friend that personally speaking being a Crossdresser is very expensive because I tend to shop for two people and the Crossdresser seems to have a lot more things.  I use to have this bias about Transsexuals which I believe came about a many years ago when I began meeting more and more Transsexuals or people who identified as being Transsexual.  The bias was size and appearance in that large masculine Transsexuals with masculine features couldn't pass as females, and for the most part were probably Crossdressers.  I also had that same bias towards Crossdressers as well, and I was wrong!  I was wrong to make judgments based on my distorted view of people as well as my ignorance of what it meant to be a Transsexual or a Crossdresser.  Being of average size with feminine features is really a plus for either one, but the reality is that most of us born male, develop as males both in the size of our bodies as well as our masculine features.  How fortunate would we be if when we were born we could determine how we could look once we were adults.  I know that if I could have made that decision then, today I would be a perfect double for Eva Longoria, or any number of lovely females, and most everything I see in the Victoria Secret catalogue would look good on me especially the shoes!  

The reality is that he doesn't work that way and while we can undergo surgeries and hormone therapy to enhance our appearance most of us are stuck with what he already have and all the surgeries and hormones in the world is not going to make me look like Eva Longoria! So it was coming to the understanding that being a Transsexual was really about the gender and being a Crossdresser was really about the clothes that I began to empathize and let go of my bias and prejudices.  I have absolutely no idea of what it must be like to be a Transsexual and as the saying goes, "A woman trapped in a man's body!"  However, I do know what it is like being a Crossdresser and in my case having a fetish for female clothing!  Yes, I said fetish, because sometimes that's exactly what it seems to me, because when I really think about my own situation as a Crossdresser, I asked myself why in the world do I like dressing in female clothing?  Some of my friends will tell me, "Well, your more than a Crossdresser!" which I suppose is their way of telling me that it's just not a fetish, but then there's really noting wrong with having a fetish, I just wish it was so expensive.  Today when someone asked me why I dress as a female my response is, "Well I have a very strong feminine side to my personality and I express that side of me by dressing as a female!"  Now does that answer the question, I know it sounds pretty simple to me.  I will say this that when I look back over my life as a Crossdresser while I may have a strong feminine side, I see a lot of fetish when it comes to dressing as a female, which might just explain why today I not as active as just maybe it has become so common place for me to dress as a female that I don't feel the excitement that I did years ago, or when I first began.

A common question which I have asked and also answered is, "How old were you when you first began dressing?"  Many will respond with I started at an early age, in my case I believe I was 8 or 9 the first time.  Anyway, I'm not sure why I dressed but I know that after that first time I liked the feeling and continued to do so despite the dangers of being caught!  On the other hand this same question when asked of a Transsexual may begin with a similar response as far as beginning at an early age, but will also include the fact that this person has always known they were different.  To me it seems as though the Transsexual dresses to match what they believe is their true gender while the Crossdresser dresses for some other unexplained reason and in my particular case I think it was more erotic, if I could feel such things at that age.  Years ago I attended my first and last Crossdresser support group.  I was just coming out after years of not dressing and really wanted to get involved in the Transgender community.  Arriving at the meeting location I was shocked to find people in the process of getting dressed, and even further shocked when I saw what they were wearing and the fact that some of these people kept their female clothing in boxes in the trunk of their cars, so needless to say the clothes were not in the best shape and for that matter often was a collection of things that really didn't match.  Immediately I became very judgmental seeing the negative side rather than the positive side of people who I shared a common interest.  It was easy for me, I was single and could keep my clothes hung up in the closet and I had a little more experience dressing and maybe better resources.  I forgot what it was like to be new at this or in some cases, "In The Closet!"  Of course what goes around, come around and the same judgmental feelings I had that night I personally experienced during my first Southern Comfort Conference when I was the new comer and other had more experience and better resources than myself.   

Anyway getting back to the fetish thing, I guess over the past few years as I view many of the different Internet web sites, Yahoo Groups, and visit SCC and other TG conference I have seen just how diverse the Transgender community really is.  I believe that I have grown up since those early days and while I sometimes cringe when I see a 6' man wearing a maid's uniform and 6" platform heels, my second reaction is so what, that's person is being who they are and probably having the time of their life.  There was a time in my life when I got off on wearing lingerie under my male clothing.  There was also a time when I thought wearing a garter and hose and a pair of strappy sandals was very sexy; actually I still think that way!  There was also a time when I liked wearing "Slut Wear" and platform heels, and I even got off on wearing a nurse's uniform to include that cute white cap and even those ugly white shoes.  I got off on wearing my ex-wife's military dress clothing, and I still like the idea of being dressed as a sexy "French Maid!" These are just a few of my clothing fetishes and I have more, it's just that today I really don't act on them as I have changed, or have I just replaced some of these over the top fetishes with some that are more realistic and normal as far as being a Crossdresser?  I sometimes think about what it was like many years ago when for the most part I was in the closet dressing at home and no place to go, and just how excited I was about the whole thing.  I mean the idea of getting completely dressed was a major event that was well planned and look forward too.  Starting off in the morning by shaving my body hair and plucking my eyebrows.  Then applying my favorite color nail enamel to my toes and fingernails then waiting for them to dry.  Laying out the sexy lingerie, clothes and shoes, then finally spending two hours trying to do my makeup and fumbling with the false eyelashes.  Finally getting dressed and slowly putting on the bra and garter, then the hose and maybe a nice matching slip and the dress, then slipping on each shoe and fastening the ankle straps.  Next comes the jewelry and a little perfume and finally the hair, usually not the best color but then it really didn't matter at the time.  In all I probably spent six hours dressing and then another six hours walking around the house admiring the vision I saw in the mirror and at the same time fantasizing what it would be like to be a female.  Today if it took me six hours to dress I would probably I would say forget it.  I totally hate shaving although it's a must, and I rather get a manicure and pedicure, and my brows waxed at a nail salon.  Forget about the garter and hose, and even the pantyhose as I am wearing pants and open toe pumps that I can walk in, and while I still sometimes fumble with the false eyelashes if it takes to long forget as well!.  I'm doing better with the hair color but still wish I knew how to style hair better.  It probably takes me two hours to get dressed, most of which is spent changing clothes because having a variety isn't always a good thing! I think that today dressing has become so common place for me that while it may be a fetish, I just don't get that excited.  However, I must admit that about a year ago I bought a lovely long red halter gown and the first time I tried it on I was reminded of the first time I wore a garter and hose, in other words I got excited!  I guess I really miss that kind of excitement when I dress and in that respect I have to sometimes think that while I embrace the idea of being Transgender, and love the fact that I have a feminine side; in the end I do believe that part of my dressing is a fetish and that's not a bad thing!

Happy New Year !!!

Now if you've heard enough talk about what I am thinking, checkout these 25 Rules for living.