Mid January - 2005

Saturday night instead heading to the local club, I attended a birthday party for a friend.  It was not actually her real birthday, but more of a celebration of her first year of being a female.  Although we are not really close, I was delighted that I was invited and I was delighted to see that she has so many friends and that she appears to be doing quite well.  Though I know many girls that are TS, she is one of only two girls I know locally that have transitioned completely.  By the time I arrived at her home most of the guests had come and gone.  Saturday was sort of a cold and dreary day for this time of the years, and so I really wasn't in the mood to even move, let alone get dressed and go out.  Of course like any party there were those that hung out longer and so I got to meet a few people, most of whom were also TS somewhere between pre and post-op.  I'm not sure whether it is being polite or just an assumption, but being around Transsexuals it is sometimes assumed that I am also TS, and so I was flattered when several girls asked me if I was transitioning.  Of course the answer was no, at least not in the sense of becoming female.  My transition is more on a personal level, that of becoming more confident with feminine appearance in public. In fact I commented to one girl that this was my biggest problem, a lack of confidence in my over all feminine appearance, despite receiving so many flattering comments from people I meet and from emails that I receive I still lack the confidence to present myself in public and feel comfortable doing so.  So for the most part I spend most of my time as Lauren going to places that are TG friendly so that I don't have to deal with the public. It is somewhat ironic that it took me some years to gain self esteem and confidence as a man, so now I need to take that same way of thinking and apply it to my feminine side so I can be just as confident being Lauren in public, as I do being a male day in and day out.  

I had a very interesting conversation with one woman last night that is full-time, but has not yet had surgery.  I expressed to her one of my fears about wearing certain clothing and my lack of confidence about being out in public.  Using her own personal experience she assured me that my I might be truly surprised if I allowed myself to look beyond the male image that I am so use to seeing and instead focus on the feminine image that I am trying to present.  This same philosophy can also help to built my confidence when I present myself in public.  I have to admire most Transsexuals, especially those that are full-time because they in my opinion exhibit a lot of courage.  Many have spent their lives knowing they were different, yet in most cases trying to fit the mold of what everyone expected them to be.  Then at some point in their lives they make a decision to become who they really are.  When I hear their stories what I experience although important to me, just does not compare to what they experience in an effort to be who they really are. For me it is often a lesson in courage and determination, and often inspires to me to overcome my own personal challenges and fears.

Late March - 2005

Well, it has been awhile since I had anything to say.  It has also been a little less longer since I was in the mood to get dressed, go out, and then take some new photos. I Think that back in January and February I went out almost every weekend, then around mid February, CAT and Sabrina came to visit and that was probably my last time out.  Having both CAT and Sabrina in town at the same time is always fun, but a lot to handle, as they are both so full of energy that you spend the night having fun and laughing your ass off, so to speak.  After that weekend I just kind of settled down and did other things not associated with being dressed.  

There was one weekend in late February when I got dressed to go out, then decided to stay home and do some photos.  I had a couple of new outfits that I hadn't worn and definitely had taken any photos wearing.  So, on Saturday afternoon I stopped by DSW and found a couple of pairs of shoes I liked and they were marked down even lower.  Actually I saw more than a couple pairs of shoes I liked, but they were out of my price range.  I ended up with a pair of black leather heels with crisscrossed ankles straps similar to a pair of "Classic" pumps I have wanted to buy for years.  The other pair I found are really not what I would normally buy, except that I saw a pair in Vogue article being worn by women and I had an outfit quite similar and this was the first time I had seen this style.  The shoes are a "Life Stride" pump, with black patent leather toe and heels, and clear whatever over the upper toes and sides.  Not really sexy, but kind of funky, but those were the ones I wanted and they were marked down.  

So, later that evening I got dressed then realized that I really didn't want to go out, but would rather just do the photos and be happy.  The first photos I did where wearing the black patent leather heels and I honestly have to say they felt great and were easy to walk in.  After looking at the photos, I was also pleased with the look, although I hope my friend Samantha never sees the photos, as she will give me such grief for wearing this particular style of shoe.  The next set of photos was in one of the new outfits and although pointed toes are in, they do make your feet look larger, which is something none of us want to admit.  They were not quite as comfortable, but I thought they were really sexy, and as Debbie Allen once told me, "Sexy shoes aren't meant to be comfortable."  So, after two photo sessions I was pooped and decided to give it up for the evening and do the other outfits the following week.  That was late February and I am just now getting around to doing the second of three new outfits, which I have just posted her at the end of March.  I still have a third new outfit however I am waiting on the matching top to be shipped sometime this week.

As you may notice I tend not to wear short skirts of dresses as I am self-conscience of my legs, especially when I am not wearing hose.  However, as you can plainly see I have this thing for raising my dress or skirt for photos either when I am standing or sitting, as I think this is kind of sexy, and so far I haven't had any complaints.

I did go out this past weekend with my friend Terri.  As usual we went to Z109 the local dance club and home base for many of the local and visiting girls.  It has been more than a year since Amber and her wife Sally reopened the place and with some major changes to the interior and adjustments to the floor show we have a place in town where we can go and meet others, and feel comfortable; and not have to be overly concerned if we are passing.  Z109, is really a great place to go if you are visiting and want to meet other girls, or if you are new and not yet ready to jump into the main stream. 

Mid April - 2005

I'm going out on a limb right now by saying that the Internet is probably the most useful invention or creation of the late 20th century, and to think we owe it all to Al Gore ;-) For those of us that utilize the Internet for a variety of reasons it has become as much a part of our lives as the cell phone, radio, and television.  One of the benefits for me is that I discovered the Transgender community, and although we have been around for a lot more years we have never been able to connect with each other in the way that we can today.  I was thinking about how much the Internet has really enriched my life, as I have been able to meet so many others that share a common bond of being Transgender, which was something that I can not say I had 20 years ago when I felt like I was the only Crossdresser in the world, and that maybe there was something wrong with me.  Well, there probably is something wrong with me, as I am a human being, but at least when it comes to being Transgender, or a Crossdresser I know that I am not alone in this world; as I now know there are literally thousands of other people all over the world that share some of the same feelings I have.

Thirty years ago when I was alone the only resource I had to hopefully meet someone else was to go through a somewhat complicated and impersonal process of writing a letter, placing the correct postage on the envelope and writing a identification number on the outside of the envelope.  I then had to place that self-addressed stamped envelop in a larger envelope and mail it to a post office box.  Now I am sure that the letters got to their first destination and probably my personal letter as well.  However, it was a real crap shoot when it came to getting a response and for most of the time I ended up wasting time, a couple of envelopes, and postage.  However, when you did receive a response it was for the most part a wonderful feeling knowing that you actually made contact with another person, even if that person lived a 1000 miles away and there was no chance that the two of you would ever have the opportunity to meet in person.  I probably did a 100 of these letters and got back maybe 20 responses.  Of those 20, I only know of one that is still around and doing well.  

What a difference 30 years and technology has made, as now a person can go to the Internet and using a search engine, they can type in the word "Transgender" or anything relating to Transgender, and the world opens up for them.  No matter what your interest may be, you can find others that share those same interest.  Over the past six years I have met many people on the Internet, sometimes it's just an email to say hello or thanks, and sometimes a cyber relationship develops.  I get about 15 or 20 emails each week and I try to answer them all.  I especially enjoy hearing from other TG's and exchanging our thoughts and feelings.  This brings me to my point about how the Internet has been a valuable tool for me.  Over the past few weeks I have met three TG's, one living in Virginia, one living in Florida, and one living in Guatemala. Unlike the good old days, we now have almost instant communication with each other.  In this case one contacted me first, and in the case of the other two, it was I who contacted them.  Regardless of who contacted who first, the point is that we each have expanded our circle of friends.  This is something that could only have happened as a result of this thing called the Internet, and the fact that each of us has chosen to put ourselves out there so the world will know that we are here.  You can visit these ladies anytime, Ana Cristy, Isis, and Laura will always greet you with a smile on their face.   

Early May - 2005

I just flew in from Austin, and boy are my arms are tired!  Seriously, I did just return from Austin, Texas, where I attended my first International Foundation for Gender Education, or "IFGE." conference.  I have been wanting to attend some of the other TG conferences and events that exist other than my favorite SCC, so finally after three years of thinking about it, I did and I am happy to say it was a wonderful experience for me.  Unlike SCC the IFGE conference was much smaller and more intimate.  What I quickly noticed about the conference other than the small number attending, was there was a lot of politics and legal issues being discussed.  The politics of inclusion and the legal protection of Transgender Rights.  I also noticed as with SCC, the absence of minority participation, and in this particular conference Transgender diversity.  However, one workshop was scheduled on this subject, which unfortunately I failed to attend.  This was my own fault, as I did not read the workshop schedule in advance.  Anyway, this got me to wondering why I didn't see more blacks, Hispanic, and even Asians at this conference, or even SCC and I wondered why that is?  In fact someone later asked me that same question and the only response I could give was that maybe these groups do not feel accepted or a part of the Transgender community.  But, this would only be my opinion, as I have no idea why!  What I do know is that some of the people responsible for conducting this conference as well as SCC are also asking the same question.  In the case of IFGE, which I believe works on behalf of the Transgender community as far as political and legal issues go, I would think that anyone that is Transgender and the least bit concerned with the current state of politics and the law in this country, would want to openly get involved and make their concerns known.   

In addition to the political and legal issues that were a part of the conference program there is of course the basic workshops and seminars designed to inform and educate the Transgender person and in some cases the spouses.  Just about anything and everything can be learned at these conferences from experts in the field and from those that have had personal experiences with being Transgender.  Then there is the social part of these conferences in which you have the opportunity to meet with others that may share a common interest or experience.  For many this is it for the year, or the only time that they can really get out and be among other Transgender people and feel comfortable. 

Updated comment:

Since writing the first part of this entry I have been made aware of a Transgender conference taking place in Louisville, Kentucky sometime in mid September 2005.  This is a completely new conference and will be the first Transgender conference that's focuses on African-Americans that are Transgender. I do not know much about this conference as it is the first one of it's kind.  However after reading some of the information posted on the conference web site I have to question the motives of the organizers, as to why they would want to have a separate conference for African-Americans?   I am also disturbed by some of the rhetoric that I read on the conference web site, which implied that the needs of the African-American Trans people cannot be met at the other Transgender conferences and so African-American Trans people need their own conference to address African-American Trans issues.  I am not sure what issues exist with African-American Trans people that do not exist with the rest of the Transgender community.  In my opinion I believe that the Transgender community is best served when we stay focused on our commonality and not our differences.  The Transgender community is very diverse, and when brought together and speaking with one voice, our diversity then becomes our strength.  

End of May - 2005, Memorial Day Weekend

Well, Duh! I wanted to talk about the weekend I had planned to spend at CAT's new home in Pensacola, however I got sick on Friday and spent most of the weekend in bed and not in a very talkative mood.  The one redeeming event of that whole weekend was that I felt good enough on Monday evening to attend a Santana concert, which made up for the rest of the weekend.

Mid July - 2005

June is a blank in my mind as I can't recall doing much of anything that month.  I'm doubt if I went out, but I think I did get dressed a couple of times and do some new photos.  I also began clearing out my closet of clothes and shoes I no longer want, or wear.  Someone once told me that if you don't wear it within a years time, then you should get rid of it.  That's probably true for some people, but for a CD this just doesn't seem to be the case, nor does it sound practical.  I often find it hard to get rid of female clothing regardless of whether I wear it or it may be out of style.  The one thing about crossdressing, is that although I like to wear current fashions, I also enjoy having a variety of clothes and despite my obsession with clothes and shoes, I can still wear clothing that isn't current, at least when I take photos or go out to the local club.  After all, no one really cares and for the most part most do know the difference between this years styles and what was popular or in style last year, or two years ago.  However, in my case I just had to much that I wasn't using, and it seemed ridiculous to hold on them any longer.  Besides my first ex-wife indicated that she would be more than willing to accept anything I no longer wanted!

Spring cleaning or in this case Summer cleaning for me was quite an eye opener as I discovered clothing from 5 years ago and also discovered a couple of items that still had the tags on them.  Maybe a particular outfit or a pair of shoes brings back some special memory good or bad, and I have to think about why I am keeping the item; but in the end it ended up in a box.  One thing that I thought about as I boxed up things was the money I had spent and whether or not it had been worth it.  Unlike some I am not much of a real shopper, in that I tend to buy what I want regardless of the expense.  Yes, I like it when something is on sale, and in the case of shoes, I will shop the sale rack.  However, when it comes to clothes I just don't have the patience and tend to look at what is new and what is in my face rather than dig thorough a sales rack packed with clothes.  As I looked at all of the things I was getting rid of I thought how wonderful it would be if I could have the money back. or I could simply replace what I had with things that I wanted.  Today, there are a lot of things I want, but I am being a lot more thoughtful. I haven't been shopping for anything new in three months at least.  When I actually looked at what I had, I realized that I have a lot of female clothing, three times as much as I do male clothing, and much of what I have I very seldom wear in public, or at least not as much as I would like simply because the clothing is not really appropriate for where I go.  I really like business wear clothing, but it's really not practical except when I attend conferences and there is that type of atmosphere.  For the most part the places I go are more of a casual or club atmosphere and these are the clothes that now get the most attention.  

Shoes are a big thing with me, as I have always loved women's shoes.  I love the fact that there is such a variety of styles and colors, although mostly I find myself wearing black; and that women's shoes can be very sexy, especially high heels.  There are always sales on women's shoes and when I can buy them on sale, and get two pair for the price of one, I buy them.  What I don't consider is whether I need them, if I have a place to wear them, or if I can even walk in them, without looking like a idiot.  After doing some really hard looking at what I own I ended up getting rid of about 20 pairs, most of which where out of style, or in some cases I asked myself what was I thinking when I bought them.  Even after getting rid of 20 pairs of shoes, I still had about 86 pairs left, as well as 4 pairs of boots.  Some of these are just so nice that I couldn't bare to part with them, while most I can still wear and at sometime will. As I said I love shoes, so of course I have to have a variety of styles, which includes thong sandals with and without heels, strappy sandals, wedges, high heels, mules, loafers, and a small selection of what I would call fetish heels; you know the ones that look so sexy, but are impossible to walk in unless you have trained your feet.  But even I had to admit that 100 pairs of shoes may be just a little bit obsessive, even for a CD.  Anyway, I did what most CD and even some females dread, I got rid of what I didn't want or like and plan on being a little more selective in the future.  I will also keep this same philosophy in mind when I shop for clothing and other female accessories as well.  As much as I would love to shop till I drop, those days are gone, unless I win the lottery!     

As for the rest of this month, coming up next weekend is the "5th Annual Traveling T-Girls Summertime Road Party", which this year will be held in beautiful and sunny Pensacola, Florida.  Originally we discussed doing it in Orlando and Tampa, however this has changed and I like the idea of just doing one location this year and being able to just relax and not have to deal with a lot of unpacking and packing, as well as traveling.  Besides I am dying to see Casa del CAT, which I understand is a sprawling 10 acre estate located on the gulf coast.  Rumor has it that this place was once owned by Madonna, who used it as a special hideaway for her and Dennis, or was it Dennis and Sean?  As always this is sort of the warm up to SCC coming in late September, and gives some of us an opportunity to spend some quiet time with old and new friends.  I am especially looking forward to seeing Princess Samantha, who I understand is making quite a name for herself on the ballroom dance floor.  Rumor has it that she turned down the opportunity to be on "Dancing With The Stars," due to several other more prominent and more pressing engagements. 

Anyway, there are no new tropical storms headed our way, as Emily is on her way to the Yucatan and Mexico, or possibly South Texas,  I pray for those in her path and hope they will be safe.  I am so looking forward to this trip and having a lot of fun.  Who knows maybe I get a tan line next weekend!

Early August - 2005

Well, here it is the beginning of August and my thoughts are mostly focused on SCC, which is still about six or seven weeks away.  Although that may seem like a long way off it really isn't, as it will surely sneak up on me real fast and before I know it, it's the night before we leave and I am still not completely packed.  I'm really kind of excited about this years conference, as I expect to meet a couple of Internet friends that are kind of special to me.  Adrianne Travis is a girl from Canada, who I have corresponded with off and on for the past four or five years.  Not only is she quite attractive, but she has a sense for fashion that I can only think about.  Her favorites are the French fashions, and what she has she wears quite well.  Unlike me, she doesn't load her web site with hundreds of photos, but instead takes a few that show her many moods and styles.  I have always admired her look, her style, and thought of her as a role model for crossdressing at a higher level.   A new friend Isis Win is also planning on attending the conference this year and I am so looking forward to meeting her face to face.  Although the Internet is a wonderful way of communicating with others, there is nothing like a face to face meeting.  Isis and I are just beginning to get to know each other and I think we have a lot in common other than our desire to dress and look feminine.  Then there is a very special friend that I am looking forward to seeing, Sophia.  Sophia and I met last year at SCC and have also continued to stay in touch through emails.  We had originally planned to get together here in Florida the week after the road party, however my personal life prevented this from happening.  Anyway, as far as I know she will be coming to SCC and so I can apologize to her for the inconvenience and hopefully have some fun.

Now before I forget, I need to say something about this years road party.  As I said this year we spent the time in one location, Pensacola where CAT is now living.  Previous road parties involved at least two locations, which meant traveling, unpacking, packing, traveling, and unpacking, late nights and sleeping during the day.  A lot of fun, but just a little hectic, as I hate moving around.  So, this year was different, but just as much fun as we spent the time at Casa Del CAT.  With the exception of CAT and Chrissie Darling, I met some new people, a few locals and some from other locations.  I think that all enjoyed themselves as this was quite an informal period, spending the day relaxing at home, cooking out on the patio, then visiting a couple of local bars on Friday night, and a local Ramada Inn on Saturday night.  Although CAT was quite busy working on SCC matters, she still had time to be a great hostess and tour guide as she showed me around Pensacola.  I took note of the fact that there is still much damage from last years Hurricane, however the people are cleaning up and rebuilding, although for the life of me I cannot see rebuilding on the water, other than the Pensacola area is really a beautiful part of Florida, and well if this is where you want to live, then you should hang in.  I also got to spend some time with Chrissie Darling, who in some circles is referred to as "The Bitch on the Road" which is her own title, and one that she guards, and has threatened to sue others for using the term bitch when referring to themselves.  Listening to her stories of dealing with un-welcomed advances from over eager men, the title is hers and should I say well deserved.  On the other hand Chrissie is a really good person and a lot of fun to hang out with, and like all of us she deserves respect.  As for the photos, well I have a few, which I will post at some point, and I suspect that one day CAT will also send me a few she took so maybe I will be able to add a new page of photos for this years road party.  Thanks CAT for the wonderful weekend and as for Samantha, I missed your presence this year, but look forward to seeing you in late September at SCC.

Mid September - 2005

Well, here I am again less than two weeks from the beginning of another SCC, and once again I find myself asking that familiar question, "What will I wear?"  The good news is that I have so many choices this year and I didn't have to go shopping, well at least not so far.  Of course I had to buy some makeup, which is essential but I have almost totally avoided shopping for new clothes, and especially for new shoes.  I think this is really the first time in five years of attending SCC that I haven't felt the need, or the obsession to shop for clothes and shoes.  However, being the type of person that I am I, maybe a new dress for Saturday night wouldn't be that bad.  I have to admit that last weekend I did visit a couple of local malls and I did seriously look at dresses, however nothing really appealed to me, nor did anything jump up and make me want to make a purchase.  It was actually fun to just look around the different racks of dresses and other clothing, then walk out of the stores within submitting to my vanity or my obsession to buy.  

Taking a short detour from talking about SCC, this past weekend I recovered several hundred old photos that covered the last five years of Lauren's Lifestyle.  These were photos taken from late 1999 through mid 2004 when I was out with friends locally, and on many road trips around the state and around the country.  When my old PC went down I managed to save these photos, however I made the decision not to post them to the new web site, mostly because I was being lazy, and found it easier to just start over again.  Anyway, because of the long weekend and nothing really planned I decided it was time to do something with the photos and so I began posting them.  It took me a couple of days to get them somewhat organized, and another day or so before I was able to upload them to the web site.  Anyway, as I was looking over these older photos I couldn't help but think back on each event, and how at the time it seemed so important to me that I needed to have photos as a reminder.  Of course once I got them all posted I began to see just how important they were as they sort of tell my story of what I have been doing over the past five plus years and who I have been doing it with.  There were somewhere in the neighborhood of 500 photos, most of me, but also a lot of photos of many of the people I have met over the years, many of whom I can call my friends.  It was amazing to see the changes in my appearance and dress, as well as the changes in how my friends look.  One reason I was reluctant to post these older photos was in some cases the photos were not as flattering to me now, as they might have been then, and being vain I wasn't about to destroy my current illusions.  Vanity aside, it's really more important to see these older photos as part of the evolution of Lauren as a person. Another good reason for reposting these photos is that they are a reminder of all those times I was out and about with my friends and not stuck in the house or some hotel room.  When I think about many years of my life I spent in the closet because I was afraid to venture out, or there was no place to go I can always look at these photos and be grateful that those times are long gone and the saying, "All dressed up and no place to go," never has to apply to me again unless I choose to stay home.  

So, back to SCC and this is kind of ironic, as the theme for this years conference is "The Big Easy" and as we all know the city of New Orleans, the Gulf Coast area, and it's people have suffered a devastating natural disaster, as a result of Hurricane Katrina.  Like the events after 9/11, there will be a shadow hanging over this years conference, because many of us know people from the area and know that their plans to attend the conference have changed.  I am grateful that those I know are safe and that is more important.  Also, I have visited Biloxi, Gulfport, and New Orleans and have some very good memories of the New Orleans people and the  nightlife.  I personally have a better acceptance of this event as it was nature's fury and not the doings of mad men.  However, at the same time I feel some anger with those who could have made this situation less painful, and I feel nothing but love for the many citizen's of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast, who have lost so much.  I am happy to see that the American people have once again quickly responded with an out pouring of financial support unlike anything in the history of this country.  I was especially proud to see that the SCC committee has quickly set up a relief fund especially for the this disaster, so that anyone wanting to make a contribution can do so immediately.  So, like 9/11 life will go on, and we will think about those who survived and they will be in our prayers.

Mid October - 2005

Well, this years SCC is now a memory and for the most part a very good one for me.  If you haven't visited the SCC 2005 photo, take a look see.  There maybe aren't as many photos this year as in previous years, but there are enough so if you missed it you can get an idea of what you missed and who you missed.  I have to be honest and say that for the first time in six years I didn't have me camera with me 24/7 and so I missed a lot of photo opportunities.  Still even though I don't have a lot of photos to show, I do want you to know that I enjoyed the time I had with some old friends as well as some new ones.  As I often talk about my packing and how I wait until the last minute, then can't decide on what to take and so I end up taking way more than I need.  Well, this year was different as I actually made up an agenda based on what I planned on doing while I was at SCC. This made packing a lot simpler, as I selected the outfit for each event, or for a certain time during the day.  So, my total was 9 outfits and 9 pairs of shoes for the two and half days I was going to be there.  Surprise, I wore all nine at some time during the trip and wore at least 7 different pairs of shoes.  That beats the hell out of 16 outfits and shoes I took to SCC one year, so I guess I am getting better at this over time.

On another note about this year's SCC was, that I also had an agenda in regards to my personal life.  I didn't write this down but kept it in my head, which was probably the worse place to keep such information.  At last year's SCC I had what I can only call a very wonderful personal experience.  It was brief, but at the same time it was one of those experience that can last for a long time.  In my case it lasted until this year, and so I was really looking forward to attending this year's SCC as I had an expectation that my experience from last year would be something better.  Well, as it turned out my expectations were not met and the more I thought about those expectations the further they seemed to vanish.  By late Saturday evening I was feeling very alone, even when I was surrounded by so many others.  Sometime around 3am Sunday morning I was in my room packing a few of my things, then I just decided to go to bed and finish in the morning.  It was probably around 7:30 when I woke up and the empty feeling I felt in my stomach had now gone to my head.  Immediately I began packing my things and then I one point I met my friend Terri in the parlor that separated our rooms.  I really can't remember the conversation we had, but I do remember it was brief and for my part not very pleasant.  Leaving my room I headed for the restaurant, go a cup of coffee to go and when outside and proceeded to smoke a couple of cigarettes.  It wasn't long before I was thinking what a waste it had been to come to SCC this year, and how I just wanted to go home.  Talk about being on a pity pot, well I was there.  My feeling sorry for myself was interrupted when a lovely woman named Michele spoke to me.  I had met Michele on Thursday briefly and then on Saturday night we saw each other again and had a nice discussion about being Transgender.  Not far away was a girl name Britt, who I had also met late Saturday evening, she was describing how much she had enjoyed her first SCC and between Michelle and Britt, it was just a little hard to be angry and pissed off.  By now it was getting late and I still wasn't packed and so I said my goodbyes went back to my room and finished packing in what I would call record time.  Everything I brought went somewhere, with out regard to being neatly folded, just as long as it fit and I had it when I arrived home.  Terri had already taken most of her stuff down and was back for a second trip.  I managed to get everything in one trip and was ready to go.

I did the honors of starting the drive home that morning and as we sped down the Interstate I apologized to Terri for the mood I had been in earlier, then I attempted to explain why I felt the way I did.  Terri got just enough information to know what was going on in my head and then I stopped talking about it.  The rest of the drive home was our normal conversations sprinkled with some SCC memories, but nothing more about my personal problems.  If there is one thing that I have learned about having a problem is to say something about the problem, get some honest opinions and then begin the process of acceptance, and letting go.  Besides, no one likes to listen to someone whining for 8 hours when your trapped in a vehicle moving 70 mph down the Interstate.  Also, this was not the first time in my life that I have been disappointed and my expectations were not met; and it probably won't be the last either.  It was not the end of the world and in reality it wasn't that big of a deal once I sorted through my feelings and thoughts, wrote about it and look at my part.  The quick solution was that perhaps my expectation had been unrealistic from the start and that for the most part I had been living in a fantasy only  partially based on the actual realities of life.  With just that simple of a  beginning the process of letting go becomes easier for me, and in the end everything is just as it was supposed to be, whether I like it or not.  They call it acceptance, and sometime I don't like it, but in all cases it is what it is, and this is something that I can live with.  In the end I learn, I grow, and I'm okay.

There is this story of a bird that waited until late fall to fly south for the winter, and once he finally began his trip he soon realized his mistake in waiting so late.  After only a few hundred miles the cold and the wind were to much for him and so he landed near a barn seeking shelter.  As the bird wandered around on the ground suddenly a cow passed over him and dumped a large load smothering him in cow manure.  Now this probably would have been a tragedy, however the manure was hot and so the bird got warm and as he got warm he began to sing.  Unfortunately for the bird his singing attracted a cat, and the cat suddenly scooped up the bird and swallowed him.  Now the moral to this story is, "Just because someone craps on you doesn't make them your enemy, and just because someone pulls you out, doesn't make them your friend; and if your ever find yourself covered in crap it might be a good idea to keep your mouth shut!"  Now, what has this story got to do with my SCC experience, or my personal life? Why absolutely nothing, I just like the story and was thinking about it tonight! 

Mid December - 2005

Well, here I am at the end of another year and as always I like to reflect back on what has happened, but first I would just like to say thank you to all of you that visit this web site.  On Christmas I will mark 6 years of being online and by my web site counter there have been over 534,000 visits to this site, as well as more than 1,300,000 viewings of the different web pages.  Now to some that may not mean much, however to me it is just an awesome thing to know that there are others that enjoy viewing this web site for whatever reason.  For those that keep coming back thank you and I hope that you find what you need here, or that this web site leads you to some other place that you enjoy.

There has been a big gap since my last update, partly because I have been involved with living life.  I have also taken some time to step back and look at what I have done and where I would like to be.  Back in early October I mentioned a new online Transgender group called Gender Evolve.  Part of being a member of this group is that I have the opportunity to share with others some of my personal feelings, thoughts, and experiences about being Transgender.  Likewise I get to read what other members write and can make comments.  Anyway, I have spending some time reading some of the past post, and found some to be quite interesting as well as informative as I learn how others live their lives as Trans people.  For the most part my main interest is how other CD's live life, however there are members that are TS and so I also get to see another side of the Transgender spectrum.

A recent article published to the Blog site, and not yet available to the public was written by a CD and dealt with 5 aspects of being a CD.  When I first read the article I didn't associate it with my own situation, only that of the writer.  However, after reading it several more times I began to relate the contents to myself and how I view my life as a CD.  The article is entitled "Shades of Pink" which I won't try to explain, but once you actually are able to read the article you will get an understanding of why the writer used this as her title.  What interested me more than the title, was the content, particularly the 5 aspects that were noted and how they affect me as a CD.  Maybe without knowing it, the writer has come up with a guideline which kind of helps me get a better look at who I am as a CD.

It would not be fair for me to reprint her writing without her permission, nor to use material from GE which is not yet published.  All I can say for the moment is that after reading the article several times I copied down the 5 aspects and then applied them to my life as a CD.  After doing so I came to realize that the fact that I hadn't been active for more than two months was based on my motivation and contentment.  This would also explain those periods in the past when I have not been active, not because I was particularly bored, but just that there was no strong motivation for me to dress, as I was content with where I was at the time.  I know that I'm a Crossdresser so is it necessary for me to get completely dressed every week and take photos. Not if I don't feel like it, because just maybe all I need at the time is to wear items of feminine clothing to feel feminine.  I am thus quite content to dress in casual clothing without makeup and hair, which basically make me look feminine, but if I'm not going anyway and I don't plan on taking photos, there's really no need for me to do these extra things.  This thinking reminded me of a GG friend that I went camping with and who told me that the best part of the weekend was that she didn't have to wear pantyhose and makeup for three days.  After making the statement she smiled at me, as she knew about Lauren and that I looked forward to wearing pantyhose and makeup as often as I could.  Well, things change over time and my motivation to be completely dressed does not depend on the weekend, but more on whether there is something that I really want to do.  A road trip, a get together with friends, or maybe a new outfit would be my motivation, but getting dressed just for the sake of dressing really isn't that strong of a motivation for me these days.  

What I now  seem to have is contentment as a CD.  The fact that I can get completely dressed whenever I want, or I that I don't have to wear pantyhose and makeup, and still feel feminine inside is a pretty good thing.  Often when people asked me what are you, I would respond with, I'm a CD, and it's all about the clothes.  Well, I'm still a CD, however maybe it's isn't just about the clothes after all.  Maybe there is something more to my being Transgender than what is on the outside. 

Happy New Year 2006

Early January - 2006 

As another new year begins once again I need to look back at 2005 and be grateful.  During the year I lost a family member and one good friend and although I mourn their lost, I know that they are both in a better place and hopefully have found piece.  As for the rest of the year life was good me, with ups and downs and whatever, but nothing that I overwhelmed me to the point of making me glad that the year was over.  2005 was a very good year, and ended on what I one consider to be one of the best Christmas's I can remember as an adult.  This year was especially wonderful because I spent it with my very best friend CAT, and her family.  This was actually the third time I had spent Christmas with CAT and the family, so they all know me.  We had discussed getting together for Christmas since I did not plan to visit my family this year up North; that will be year I promise.  Anyway, sometime maybe in late November or early December I read an email from someone concerning Christmas and asking others to share their most memorable Christmas, or maybe it was to share what they felt about Christmas and the holidays.  So, I responded with my own thoughts about Christmas and below is what I wrote:

As a child I really can't say that we celebrated the traditional Christmas with Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and cousins.  For us it was usually the immediate family, Christmas morning opening gifts then later going around the neighborhood visiting our friends and finding out what gifts they got.  Sometime later we would have a really nice Christmas dinner and that was pretty much it.  Then later on when I was older, we would sometimes visit our mother's family who lived in another town.  As an adult and in the military, I usually spent Christmas at home, but I also spent at least four overseas.  I remember Christmas 1980, I was living in Germany and I was so depressed, I spent the entire day in bed, listening to music on the stereo and drinking shots, and only getting up to go to the bathroom.  Probably some of the best Christmas's I had were those I spent with my second wife and her family.  Those Christmas's probably came closes to being somewhat of a traditional Christmas.  We had a house that needed to be decorated and we had a tree that needed to be trimmed.  There were young children with Christmas list, and there were Christmas cards to send out; and family to buy for, as well as exchanging gifts with my wife.  Around the neighborhood there was an unofficial competition to see who could decorate their homes with the most lights, and needless to say it often got out of hand as each of us homeowners looked for any place we could hang lights.  Whenever I see the movie, "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation," I think of my neighbors and I going crazy with our outdoor lighting.  On Christmas day, it was now my wife and I that were awaken early to come open presents, and later that day we drove to her parents where there were Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and cousins to share Christmas, and a nice Christmas dinner.  The last time I had such a Christmas was 1993, as the next year we spent Christmas with our own families, and the following year 1995 we were separated and I was living alone.  In  looking back on Christmas, I discovered that I had celebrated Christmas in many different ways, with different people and in different places, and with only two exceptions have I ever had what I would call a terrible holiday.  I mentioned the first being 1980 when I was alone in Germany, and the second one was in 1995,exactly ten years ago when I was once again alone, and on the verge of getting divorced.

When I began thinking about that Christmas, I was reminded of a conversation I had with a very good friend 10 years ago at Christmas time.  Without going into the entire conversation, the abbreviated version was that I was depressed and sad, because I was alone and dwelling on some past Christmas memories.  After listening to me whine about those Christmas memories, she had a very simple suggestion, which was for me to create some new Christmas memories.  So, at some point before Christmas I did what she suggested, began creating some new Christmas memories.  I sent out some Christmas cards to friends, and bought myself a tree and decorated it.  I also bought myself some gifts and put them under the tree.  On Christmas day I had a nice dinner with a friend and his family, and later that night I met up with some new friends for a dessert buffet at the home of another new friend.  Now I have to admit that this wasn't my very best Christmas, but taking that suggestion from my friend, helped get me out of my depression over Christmas 1995, and also  helped me get back on the road to enjoying the holidays.

So, here it is10 years later and I am still living alone! However unlike 10 years ago I am not lonely.  I believe that there was a reason why I got that email and why I was allowed to remember back to a time when I really didn't have a good reason to feel good about the holidays.  I believe that the reason was for me to share my own personal experience and at the same time to be grateful for how my life has changed, and especially grateful for the many wonderful people who have come into my life since then.  Now next year I plan to spend Christmas with my family, however this year I got to spend it with CAT, and my other family, and as I said in the very beginning this was truly a wonderful Christmas.