"Often during my adult life I have sought to find that special woman who would accept me for who I am; that special woman that I have always dreamed about.  Then one day I looked in the mirror and discovered that I am that special woman!"

Lauren Thomas,  August 2001

My Story begins

 I have been a Crossdressing for most of my life, beginning sometime around the age of 9 and continuing off and on until I was 44. It was at that age that I made the decision once more that I would never dress in female clothing again. This was a decision that I had made many times before throughout my life and this is something that other Crossdressers can relate too. We call it purging, when some event in our lives causes us to feel guilt and shame about what we are doing we decide to stop and then we get rid of every item of clothing that can be associated with Crossdressing. I can not remember how many times I have purged in my life, but I can say that as I grew older the purges became less frequent. 

I have no idea of why I decided one day to try on my sister's lingerie. All I remember is that it felt good at the time and I wanted to do it again. So, it became almost a daily thing for me to sneak into my sister's room. One day, I was caught by my father who sat me down and told me that what I was doing was wrong and that God had made me a little boy and that I should only wear little boy's clothing. Thus started the guilt and shame, but I continued to dress as often as I could making sure that I would never be caught again. Of course as I continued to crossdress, I continued to believe that there was something wrong with me. At this very young age, I remember that I often wished that I was a real girl so that I would no longer have to hide. Throughout my teenage years I struggled fearing that I would be discovered and fearing that I would be labeled as a "Queer".

While in my early 20's, I got married and continued to crossdress. In the beginning my wife was supportive, but overtime she grew tired and it upset her seeing her husband wearing female clothing. So, after almost six years we separated and got divorced. Being single and living alone, I began to dress more often in the privacy of my home or on some occasions in the privacy of a motel room. I was now a "Closet Queen" and as far as I knew I was the only person in the world who crossdressed. 

Finally, in my early 30's I discovered some Crossdressing publications and I learned that I was not alone. There were others like me doing the same thing. These publications often had "personal sections" where a person could correspond with others. That was how I met my first crossdressing friend and many other men like myself. So, for the next few years I corresponded with and often met other crossdressers. I was still in the closet for the most part, but at least now I was getting out and meeting other people and sharing personal experiences. 

When I was in my mid 30's, I moved to Florida. There I found what I called a paradise for crossdressers. I called it paradise, because there where a lot of Gay Clubs and Bars and many of them featured Drag shows. Although I am not a Drag Queen, I admired and envied these girls because unlike me they were doing what they liked and having a lot of fun.  It was a great feeling to see men dressed as women and looking great.  I soon made friends with a couple of the girls and they where more than willing to help me get out of the closet. At the same time that I was coming out of the closet as a Crossdresser, I also got involved with my second wife. Like my first, she was supportive and allowed me to enjoy this part of my life.

Over the next eight years, I explored almost every aspect of Crossdressing going out to the clubs two and three times a week. I was in my own little world and I didn't want anyone to bother me, including my wife and my family. I had the best of both worlds, I had my cake and I could eat it too. I was having a good time, but my wife wasn't and that caused us problems. Adding to that was my involvement with a Drag Queen and my substance abuse.  Soon my world fell apart and there was no way to repair the damage that I had done to my marriage; so at the age of 46 I was separated and within two years I was divorced for the second time.

After my second divorce, I went through a change in my life that was very positive. I learned to forgive myself for my past behavior and to accept myself for who and what I am. Although I had not been actively involved with  Crossdressing, I never for one day thought that I was cured. Basically, I was going through some kind of healing process and when the time was right I began to have the desire to resume Crossdressing. Fortunately for me and for others, there was and is the Internet and that is where I discovered the Transgender community and the hundreds of people who I can identify with and relate too.  It has been 15 months since I first posted this information on my old Web site. It has been a very exciting year for me and all I can say is that it just seems to get better. Today, I can say that I am very comfortable with who I am and so I can be comfortable with the fact that being a Crossdresser is just a part of who I am. I have friends who are not TG that know about me and accept me as I am. Also, I have made many friends in the TG community that I can share experiences with. For the first time in my life, I know who I am and I just love being me.

(Revised February 25, 2001)

March 2002

Well, it has now been just over 26 months since I went online with my web site and began this remarkable journey as Lauren.   After viewing some of my photos you can see that I have come a long way and I have changed.  Probably the most obvious change has come in my outward appearance.  Changes in hair style, clothing, and makeup have all contributed to help me look better.  My wardrobe has probably doubled, and I won't mention my obsession with shoes.  But, that is just a part of who I am and I just have to deal with that.  During 2001, I took the opportunity to travel to other towns and cities and share some quality time with old friends and with some new friends.  The events of September 11th although painful, did not prevent my friends and I from living our lives, like most Americans it united us and made us stronger and more determine to choose life.  There was for me some fear of having my luggage searched and how I would react if someone questioned why my luggage contained only female clothing.  But, my friend CAT shared her own experience with me and I came to realize that I have nothing to worry about or nothing to be ashamed of.  The truth is that they are my clothes and I enjoy wearing them.  The changes that you can not see unless you know me personally are those changes which have occurred inside.  It has been the changes on the inside that are the most important changes for me. My continued acceptance of who and what I am, have given me inner peace and serenity.  It has also helped me to accept others just as they are.  My continuing change on the inside is in fact more important than any changes in my appearance, and actually help to make that smile on my face real.  When I jokingly comment that I am becoming the woman that I have always dream of; I can also say that I am becoming the person that I was always meant to be!  

August 2002

Well, here it is the middle of summer and I find myself looking forward to my trip to Atlanta and SCC.   My friend Terri and I will be going there on Tuesday so that we will have time to get manicures and pedicures and not miss one minute of fun.  I have taken the entire week off before, and one day off after my return so that I can recover.  Although I will probably not be dressed 24/7 while I am there, that is always possible as I have visited Atlanta many times now and have a very dear friend who lives there.  Each visit has given me a new perspective on what it means for me to be Transgender.  The local girls are some of the friendliest and fun people I have ever met and for the most part they seem to be the most comfortable group of girls I have ever met.  During my visit in February I attended a cookout at the home of one girl and at some point I was just so impressed with the fact that we were just casually dressed and doing something that is quite normal.  Clubbing is fine, but just hanging out with a bunch of girls just seemed a lot more natural to me.   During my last visit to Atlanta in late July I stayed with my friends CAT and Angela.  CAT, Angela, Samantha, and I had just returned from Nashville around noon on Saturday.  We had time to rest up then we met up with some of the local girls and a few others who were visiting and went out for the evening.  As always these road trip involved going to several places beginning with dinner, then on to a club, and end up at another location for an early breakfast.  Although I had been feeling really lousy for two days, on Sunday I felt much better and since I was staying until Monday I was hoping that we would do something that night.  As it turned out we spent the entire day at home relaxing, watching television and talking.  As I recall, I spent the entire day casually dressed in shorts and a tank top.  I still had my nails polished in a bright pink color, and although I wasn't in makeup being around four other TG's and discussing what we felt and thought about being TG turned out to be a lot of fun; and a very enjoyable experience for me.  I just don't get these kind of opportunities where I live, and so when it does happen I try to  savor the moment.   When it came time to change and catch my flight home I was a little sad.  Saying goodbye to CAT who makes me feel so comfortable and at ease as Lauren, is always hard.   CAT just naturally brings out the best in everyone,   

So, when I attend SCC this year I will see CAT, Samantha, Angela, and a lot of other old friends and new ones.  Five days of dressing up or dressing down however I choose; after a day or so I sometimes forget that this is only for the moment and like leaving Atlanta this last time, I will feel some sadness as I travel home on Sunday and return to the male world that I must live in for now.  For now there is the anticipation of having a lot of fun and deciding on what clothes to bring and what clothes to wear.  As always I will over pack, especially when it comes to shoes and while I am there I will just live in the moment and not be concerned about the guy stuff I will have waiting on me when I return home.

 October - 2002

The excitement and fun of attending SCC 2002 is now a memory.  This year I felt very comfortable, very relaxed and very much a part of the entire event.  I did miss seeing a few people who at the last minute were unable to attend however, the turn out this year was much larger than last year and there were so many others there that I couldn't help but feel good.  Despite all of my planning to attend several workshops or seminars that I felt would be beneficial to me I missed everyone of them, as I often found myself involved with talking to other people that I met in the conference area.  The seminars would have been nice to hear but it really wasn't as important as the interaction between two or more people who share some of the same feelings and desires that I do.  This year I made the decision to get involved with helping out at the conference, choosing to give some support to registration for a couple of hours each day.  SCC is a large event and volunteers are always needed to help out.  The experience benefited the event as well as giving me the opportunity to meet people as they registered; and to really feel a part of SCC other than just being there.   There were many wonderful moments that occurred for me during  my stay however, one that really stands out happened on Thursday morning when I was scheduled to work the registration area at 8am.   Getting up at 6am which is normal for me anyway.  I went about getting ready, much like I do every weekday for work.  Of course there was the shower and the shaving, and deciding on what I was going to wear.  I wanted to look professional, so of course I decided on wear a suit.  Not much different than a regular day for me except I had to do my makeup, which really wasn't as difficult to do as I watch the morning news show.  Once I was satisfied with my look I then began to finish getting dress.  Fast forward to selecting the right shoes since I would be standing for awhile making sure that the suit looked okay and my hair was right, I took one or two last looks in the mirror; smiled then grabbed my handbag which contained everything I needed to survive the morning.  I then did one more look in the mirror and left the hotel room.  As I proceeded down the hallway towards the elevators, I passed the lounge area the clicking of my heels made several people look.  I smiled as I passed the hotel staff and suddenly began to realize just how natural it felt being Lauren dressed in a business suit and going to work.  I couldn't help but have a big grin on my face as I stood waiting for the elevator and then greeting several of the passengers with a smile as I stepped inside.  When I stepped into the lobby of the hotel and proceeded to walk towards the registration area it was one of the most wonderful feelings I have ever had as Lauren.  Today, I was really Lauren, a professional woman on her way to work.

Early December - 2002

Well, here it is the first week of December already.  I can't imagine where the year has gone.  Anyway, this is the time of year that most of us look back on the previous 11 months and remember what has happened to us; and what we might have done differently.  Personally, I don't believe that there is much I would have done differently.  I believe that everything that happened was suppose to happen and everything I did, I was suppose to do;  the proof of that is that it happened, and that I did it!  Anyway, what I like to do at this time of the year is look at the consequences of my actions and how they might have affected others and myself.  If what I did was positive, then I need to continue in that direction.  However, if what I did was negative, then I need to change.  I really don't believe in living in the past anymore.  What is done is done and hopefully I will learn from the experience and become a better person.  This is also the time of the year that I am really grateful, grateful to be alive and grateful for all of the gifts that I have in my life.  The most important of these gifts are my family and my friends who I love and cherish.  It took me awhile to figure out just what was really important in life and by far these are the most important things in my life today.  As for the rest well, all of my needs have been met and I am comfortable and happy with my life.

A year ago at this time I was packing almost every week for a weekend trip to someplace.   I think I was gone almost every weekend in December finishing up with a trip to Houston, Texas to celebrate the New Years with some wonderful friends.  This year I plan on staying home, at least most of the time.  I do have plans for one or two trips this month but for the most part I will spend the month at home with my friends.  As much as I enjoyed traveling to other places, I sometimes forget how much there is right in my backyard.  I have several personal projects that I need to get done to include some house cleaning of this web site.  This is the perfect time to get rid of the old and bring in the new.  I also have some minor health issues to deal with and so this would be the perfect time to deal with those issues and to get some much needed rest.  I do plan on making a trip this weekend, which I hope will be another wonderful experience.  I will let you know about that later in the month.     

January - 2003

Here we are, it's the beginning of a new year.  However, before I say anything about my expectations let me update my last entry.  During the first weekend of December, I traveled to Omaha, NB, and then two weeks later I traveled across the state to attend a Christmas dinner with a local support group.  I spent Christmas day as Lauren, at the home of another TG friend along with a few invited guests.  I then spent New Year's Eve at home by myself.  Full details of these trips and photos can be found in the photo gallery.  Anyway, each of these experiences was positive for me.  The trip to Omaha and the support group dinners afforded me the opportunity to be with friends and to interact with the public in a positive way, which is great for my own self esteem and confidence.  Being invited to have Christmas dinner with two good friends was a first and just a wonderful experience.  I was Lauren, and I was going to dinner with friends, something that was really quite normal to do on Christmas day.  As for staying home on New Year's Eve, that was not my original plan.  I had two things that I could have done with friends, but then the weather gave me second thoughts so I decided after getting dressed to stay at home by a warm comfortable fire and watch television.  This might seem boring or anti-social, but I felt okay and I was also quite comfortable spending the evening with me.  I didn't have to be surrounded by a lot of other people to feel good.  Yes, I was alone; but I wasn't lonely!

The week prior to Christmas, I treated myself to a manicure and pedicure.  I had two weeks off, so I got acrylic tips and a beautiful red nail enamel as opposed to my favorite French manicure.   As many times as I have had this done over the past few years, it is always such a great feeling to have a professional do my nails and toes.  The nail technician and I had a long talk while she worked, this was her first experience with a Trans person so she was very interested in knowing more about me.  Her biggest concern was my privacy, but after talking with me she came to realize that this was not the first time for me and that I was very comfortable.  Anyway, she did an excellent job and I look forward to seeing her again, at least once a month.

So, what will this new year be like for Lauren?  Well, I stopped making resolutions a long time ago.  Instead I like to make plans and see how they turn out.  For example, last night on my way out to meet some friends, I stopped by the mall to buy some shoes.  This was the first time in my life that I have dared to go shopping as Lauren.  I know many people that do this all the time, but until last night I have never been able to get in the door.  However, it was late and I felt good and so I took a chance.  As I have been told, most people are busy with their own lives and don't even bother to look.  I saw the shoes I wanted, then approached a sales person and ask her to bring my size.  While I waited, I walked around and looked at other shoes, and glanced around the store to see if I was the center of attention ;-)  No, I was not the center of attention, and for that fact no one was evening looking in my direction.  Anyway, the sales person brought out two boxes.  Neither one was my size, but as we all know shoe sizes do vary with the manufacturer and so since I was there, I might was well try them on.  I could describe the ritual of trying on one shoe, then the next, then walking in them, and then looking in the mirror etc., and then doing the exact same thing with the second pair.  I will not get into the exact details as it would take up more space on this page.  What I will say is that for a female, trying on heels is no big deal.  But, for me this was a big deal and a big step forward in my desire to do normal female things; and what is more normal than shopping, and shopping for shoes.  So, my plans for the coming year are to take chances and see what happens.  I am sure that things will not always go as smoothly as they did last night, but even if there are comments at least I know that I am doing what I really want to do.  By the way, neither pair of shoes felt comfortable so I didn't buy anything, but I did thank the sales person for her help then went on to see my friends.  Coming up in less than two weeks I have tickets to see "The Lion King."  My friend Anne and I will be going together and I am really looking forward to that night. 

Late January - 2003

So far this new year as proven to be very interesting to say the least, and it's only the first month.  To start off with, Disney's "The Lion King," was and is a very wonderful experience that I will always remember.  Hey, this was the first time I had planned an outfit and actually wore it, without making several changes.  Anne and I did run late, but we did have dinner before the show.  Once we arrived and were seated, I just sat back and enjoyed the performance.  This was our fourth outing together, the second to this particular theatre; and I was more relaxed and confident than I have ever been in public.  Part of that comes from being with a GG and knowing that she will be honest about my appearance, and if need be she will make suggestions.  During the intermission we remained near our seats and talked.  I looked around at some of the other patrons and when we had eye to eye contact, I gave them a warm smile.  At the conclusion of the performance, we made our way to the lobby only to find that it would take a little longer to get out, so we just took our time and walked around waiting for the crowd to clear and looking at some of the merchandise being sold.  By now I was very comfortable and smiling at everyone who happened to look my way.  Once we left the theatre, we did stop at the gift shop outside which was quite normal and prolonged the evening if just for a few more minutes.  These are truly the times that I enjoy being Lauren, I just wish that we could get our schedules together so that we could do this more often.   

In other news, I have decided that I really enjoy going out to dinner as Lauren, before going out to a club or bar.  Right now there is a nice Gay restaurant that we go too that is really great.  So far this month I have eaten there three times, once with Anne and twice with some of my TG friends.  Another one of my TG friends has told me about several mainstream restaurants that she goes too on a regular basis, and so now I have a choice on Saturday night.  In fact, I could be completely happy just having dinner with friends; and skipping the bar and club scene all together. 

Early February - 2003  

Early March - 2003

Well, here it is early March and my thoughts are focused on next month already.  I will be celebrating a birthday at the end of April, which just happens to coincide with a trip to Las Vegas.  The reason for my trip to Vegas is to attend "Diva Las Vegas," which will be an entirely new experience for me.  I'm not really one for all of the glitz and glamour associated with Vegas, nor am I a gambler.  I would however just like to spend a few days as Lauren and see what this particular TG event is really like.  My friend CAT is now living in Vegas, and loves the place.  She will definitely make sure that my nights are filled with things to do.  My other friend Samantha will also be there, and so I know that I will have a someone to go shopping with during the daytime.  My primary concern is to find a MAC store or kiosk and get at least one, or maybe two makeovers while I am there.  Also, I am always looking for shoes; and if I know Samantha, she will already know where to find MAC and where to look for shoes.  I will also be looking for something special to wear on Saturday night, as I suspect this will be the time to try and look as glamorous as possible.  Somewhere in between shopping and makeovers, I may take the air tour of the Grand Canyon, and just maybe play a round of golf as Lauren; now that would be something to write about.  There is also a show that was recommended to see, as well as one or two dinner functions.  So, I am really looking forward to this trip, seeing my friends CAT and Samantha, as well as some other friends who will be coming to town.  On a personal note, for the admirer from Vegas that sent me an email and wanted to take me out, if you are serious and wondering why I did not answer; the reason was that your email address was bogus!

You may have notice that there was a short gap with my photo updates.  The reason for that was that is that I get bored with the same location.  I would love to find some different locations to shoot photos, but right now I have to settle for doing photos at home and after awhile it just gets boring to me.  Anyway, hopefully I will find some new and better locations to take photos, and maybe I will find a photographer to do the photos.  On another note, if I did not mention it before six weeks ago I had a second piercing done to my ears.  I was in the mall shopping and passed by one of those piercing kiosks.  I have had both ears pierced for about 12 years now, and I always wanted a second piercing.  Personally I think it is really sexy having two holes and being able to wear two gold or silver hoops; or a diamond stud with another pair of earrings.  Anyway, on a whim I had the second piercing done on Saturday.  On Monday when I returned to work, I got mixed reactions from co-workers; that varied from why?, cool, and have you queered out or something?  I was not offended by any of the questions or comments, and my answer was always the same, "Because I wanted too," and that was the end of that.  Last week I finally removed the piercing studs, and bought a nice pair of diamond studs that I can wear to work.  I also bought a set of gold hoops that I can wear when I am not working.   

Besides my love for nice shoes, I have this love for long manicure nails.  Up until a year ago I would often let my own nails grow quite long.  Then on the weekends I would just go to a nail salon and have them done.  My problem with having naturally long nails was that I had trouble doing my job and so I decided to give them up in favor of acrylics.  Yes, I did have a few co-workers comment on how long they were, but I also had some that actually admired how good they looked.  Once I got through the comments and people just accepted the fact that I had long feminine fingernails it just wasn't a big deal.  As I said the reason I trimmed them was that it just interfere with doing my job and really wasn't worth the trouble.  Once I saw how good the acrylics looked, I got obsessed with them.  So, over the past six months I have worn acrylics for as long as two weeks, but more often just for the weekend.  It was great while it lasted, but for anyone that has had acrylics; then you know the process of removing them.  Having them put on almost every weekend and then taking them off within a few days has completely destroyed my natural nails.  This past weekend I had them put on for the last time; at least until my natural nails can recover.  The nail technician suggested that after the weekend I should let her trim them back so that my nails would be protected.  I knew I had to do something, so that is what I let her do on the following Monday.  I don't know whether anyone has really noticed my nails, but this was the only solution to my problem and so far it seems to be working.    

Early April - 2003

It's early April, and right now there are two things on my mind.  In exactly two weeks I will be in Las Vegas with my friends CAT and Samantha.  Of course at this point I haven't packed, nor have I even considered what clothes to bring with me.  As usual I will probably wait until the last minute to pack, then I will over pack as usual.  I just bought some new hair, which I think looks great, especially once it is styled by my friend Denise.  I have an appointment to get a manicure and pedicure the day before I leave, and I have an appointment to get a makeover at MAC, as I want to try some of their new products. I am also trying to decide on whether to buy at least one new outfit and shoes for this trip or just go with what I have, and maybe wait and find something really nice in Vegas.  I have to admit that I am getting a little excited about this trip, as I haven't been back to Vegas in 20 years, I am also excited to see my friends CAT and Samantha, and I know that it is going to be a really fun and exciting four days.  Of course all of this procrastination and decision making is very normal for me, and may seem somewhat trivial considering what is going on half way around the world.  Which brings up the second thing which is probably more important than spending four days in Vegas.  First let me say that I would not normally express my political opinions here, as this is not what I intended this page to be concerned with.  However, as this is something that has concerned me for the past few months, and more recently has caused me to have to make a choice; I feel like expressing my opinions and feelings at this point in time. 

So, here is what I have to say about recent events that have occurred half way around the world from my home.  I support the President for his decision to take military action against what I consider to be "Hitler" reincarnated.  I am equally very proud of our military and the way they have conducted themselves.  They are all volunteers, all professionals, and all of them are hero's in my opinion.   I pray for their safety and well being, and I pray for their families and loved ones back home.  I am of course saddened by the lost of so many young men and women, but at the same time I know from personal experience that this is often the price that must be paid to protect and defend what is in this country's best interest.  As for the reasons we went to war,  I could care less whether they find a smoking gun; the bottom line for me has always been that this regime posed a threat to this country and to the region, what Tom Clancy might call "A Clear and Present Danger," and at some point; someone needed to take positive action to eliminate that threat!  Does this mean that we can go back to the way things where prior to September 11th? No, life in America changed after that date, just as it is changing for Iraq and the Iraqi people today.   There are still a lot of individuals, groups, and countries that mean us harm; and we will have to deal with them all, either with a gentle hand, or a big stick.  But as of today there is one less threat to this country, and the world. 

I am also very proud that I live in a country, where people are free to exercise their 1st Amendment right to support, or protest our overseas involvement.  I believe that both sides share their honest convictions that what they believe in, and support is the right thing to do.  I didn't vote for the President, and I didn't vote for his father, but his 15 minute speech convinced me that taking military action was the right thing to do!  I am not in the least bit surprised that some of our allies baulked at using force, even after 12 years of failed diplomacy.  The United Nations is a good organization, and many times they have been more than willing to take the lead in humanitarian efforts; but when it comes to using military force, they totally lack any kind of backbone.  I would suspect that when the war is over there will be a lot of investigating, as to what was really going on in Iraq.  And, I believe that those investigations just might reveal the fact that many, if not some of these member nations held a vested interested in keeping the former leader in power; regardless of his threats, stone walling, and generally bad behavior.  Further, I would not be surprised to learn that some of these member nations have been violating the trade embargo against Iraq since day one, and they just might be embarrassed as a result of the change of fortunes within Iraq.   As the war seems to be coming to an end; and victory appears to be on the horizon, we are faced with a even larger task, and somewhat more of a dilemma than the war itself.  What is the role of the United States and Great Britain in rebuilding a new Iraq, and what will be the role of the United Nations?  Ultimately it should be left up to the people of Iraq to decide on the form of government they want, however knowing the history of this area I suspect this will be a long and often painful process.  I would hope and pray that the leaders of the coalition and the United Nations understand this problem, and working together will do whatever it takes to expedite this process; so that the liberators don't end up becoming targets, and in the end needing to be liberated!

Okay, now that I have gotten that off my chest or out of my thoughts, I will step down from my soap box and I will go back to doing what I really enjoy doing.  It's Friday evening, it's the beginning of the weekend, and I have been invited to a small dinner party tomorrow night.  It's no coincidence that I also received a new "Chico's" catalogue this week, and there is one outfit that keeps calling my name.  So, that means that I need to go shopping and enjoy some good quality Lauren time.  

End of April - 2003

Today I have some good news and I have some not so good news.   First the good news is that I just spent four of the most wonderful days of my life, on vacation in Las Vegas with my two best friends CAT and Samantha.  This was the first real vacation I have had since last December, and for weeks I had been thinking about the trip and  what my expectations where.  As it turned out, I got more than I could ever have expected, and that is so often the case when I am with these two wonderful people.  The not so good news is that most of what I did was not photographed and so unlike other road trips, I don't have a new page of photos to display.  The reasons why I didn't take any photos, are that often what we were doing made it impractical to stop and take pictures; and as Samantha pointed out, most women don't walk around with digital cameras in their purses.  In this case she was correct, as  we just  wanted to blend in, and not necessarily as tourist.  So, though I don't have a new photo page I did have a lot of fun, and I have a lot of good memories of those four days.  

Most of the times that I go out, I go to places that are considered TG friendly.  But, this was Las Vegas, and this was my vacation; and my friends CAT and Samantha wanted me to have a good time and enjoy myself.  Both of these ladies come and go when and where they want, and so being with them meant that I would be doing the same.  Beginning Thursday evening we went out for dinner at a very nice restaurant, that featured Mediterranean food.  From there, we headed over to the MGM Grand to see the show "Le Femme."  After the show we visited the "Las Vegas Lounge," which is a real TG bar that is very popular with the local girls and admirers.  Friday morning we were up early, CAT and I had a 9am Tee time at a local golf course.  I should also mention that at the same time that I was in Las Vegas, there was also a TG function going on called Diva Las Vegas.   Billed as a TG vacation, and not a conference; this event offers TG's the opportunity to get together in one of the most exciting cities in the world to enjoy a variety of mainstream and TG events.  One of the events was  golf, and so, dressed in my coordinated Liz Claiborne polo shirt and shorts, I ventured out to the golf course.  It was a little cool, and quite windy, and despite taking a few practice shots I didn't play as well I normally do.  One thing that I noticed was that my breast made a difference in the way I hit the ball.  Regardless of my score it was a lot of fun, and I am glad that I dragged myself out of bed that early in the morning.  That evening it was dinner at "Tony Roma's," then we stopped by a club called "Good Times," were we met up with some of the girls from DLV.   Then it was a quick trip to the Las Vegas Lounge, and then off to the "Ballagio," where we met up with some more girls that were in town for DLV.   By the way, Friday was also my birthday and I so sported a new look.  Samantha and CAT convinced me that I could go with my natural hair that evening and so I tried it.  It was probably because I was in Vegas that I decided to try it, and it worked very well for me, especially with the strong winds that seem to blow all day and that night.  

Late Saturday morning we attended a cookout at Mindy's home.  Mindy was the coordinator for the golf tournament.  This was an opportunity to meet, relax and socialize with more girls attending  DLV.   It was also another opportunity for me to go out during the day casually dressed, something that I very rarely have the chance to do at home.  Later that night we got dressed for a nice dinner at one of CAT's favorite places, a really nice restaurant that featured a Jazz trio.  I guess I would have to say that this was the highlight of my vacation, and really a wonderful experience.  After dinner we dropped by the Las Vegas Lounge, where they were having a benefit show that evening. 

We slept in late on Sunday, then went for a late breakfast at the Castaways, then stopped by a nail salon to have my nails redone;  then a trip to "New York, New York," and a ride on the roller coaster.  I did all of this in male mode, especially considering my last ride on a roller coaster; when I felt as though I was going to loose my hair and my breast forms.  Although this was not the biggest roller coaster I have ridden on, it was one of the wildest rides, and at the end I felt like I was going to loose my breakfast at some point.    Sunday night I was back wearing my natural look going to the last get together for DLV at a bar called "Flex."  Then it was a short ride to the "Stratosphere" and the top of the tower for a view of Las Vegas at night.  CAT and I finished the night with a late dinner at the hotel, then headed home to pack, and catch my 6:30am flight back to Tampa.  It truly was a wonderful four days and I can think of no one better to spend time with than CAT and Samantha.  Both of these women have had the most positive impact on my life and it just keeps getting better.  I look forward to late July when I will once again be traveling back to Vegas.

Early May - 2003

Last night was the first time I got dressed and gone out since my vacation.  It was also the first time I have been out locally, since probably the end of March.  I normally don't go out on Fridays, as I am usually tired from working all week.  However, my good friend Terri was going to be busy this weekend and wanted to get together for dinner.  So, dinner at "Tropics," a local restaurant sounded pretty good, and also meant that I could dress casual for the evening; which for me meant no heels, no pantyhose, and no false eyelashes.  Anyway, we arrived at the restaurant about 8pm, and it was pretty crowded.  Most of the people there were part of the happy hour crowd, and so we had no problem getting a table for dinner.  We were joined by two other girls, one a TS and the other a CD.  Okay, so here we are the four of us, three of us in drag and the fourth in male mode; so what is the topic of conversation?  Well, it wasn't politics that's for sure.  Now if it's just Terri and I alone, the topic of conversation can cover everything from politics, clothes, our jobs, and home decorating.  However, when there are other TG's involved, the topics conversation usually end up concerning Transgender issues.  What I have noticed is that when Transsexuals and Crossdressers together the conversations go back and forth.  Transsexuals like to talk about their medical procedures, and when they plan to transition, or how their transition is going.  On the other hand, Crossdressers seem to talk about female clothing, hair, jewelry and makeup.  Often at some point the conversation will open up and the TS will mention clothing, and the CD will asked someone about a specific medical procedure.  One common topic that usually comes up has to do with relationships with a spouses or girlfriends; and how that spouse or girlfriend is dealing with having a Transgender SO.  Another common topic in almost any conversation between TG's is our personal history; how we ended up where we are today, and what we look forward to in the future.  What is rarely if ever discussed is sex, or sexual preference, which is probably a good thing, especially over the dinner table.  Whatever the topic of conversation is; whether it is about a medical procedure or women's fashion, wives, significant others, or even sex;  I really do enjoy getting together with other girls in these types of situations.  Just for me it is an opportunity  to meet and interact with other TG's and learn more about who they are.  Sometimes it's just the one time meeting and we never see each other again, but often it's a chance to make new friends, and even better to improve on current friendships.

There is one other thing while I have your attention, while I was in Las Vegas I found myself thinking about dating men.  This is a subject that comes up several times a week when I get emails from male admirers.  But as I have said before I am not interested in having a romantic relationship with a man.  But this is the situation I am talking about.  CAT, Samantha, and I were having dinner in this really nice restaurant one night.  There was this jazz trio playing music, and throughout the evening I watched these different couples getting up to dance.  The longer I watch this happen, the more curious I became  as to what it would be like to be on a date, as a female?  I have heard that being out with a man is almost a sure way to go unnoticed in public, because most people don't pay close attention to a couple out at the movie, or having dinner.  It is just this kind of reasoning that has caused me to become more interested in maybe meeting a nice man that just wants to be friends.  As a male, I have had female friends that I enjoyed going out with  to shows, museums, or dinner, so why not the reverse for me.  So, with some strong encouragement from Samantha and CAT, I am seriously considering this option.  Right now there is no one that I have in mind, and I am not opening the door for any invitations.  I think that when the time is right and the right person comes along, then I will take a chance and see what happens.  After all, I am  interested in doing normal activities as a female; and what could be more normal than having a male friend to do them with? The more I think about it the more obvious it becomes that this might just be the best thing I could do for myself.   

Early June - 2003

Here it is the first week of June, or as I like to say the middle of summer.  Blue skies, sunny, temperatures in the high 80's, and some occasional rain.  This is one reason I live in Florida and why so many people like to visit.  One thing I can do without is the humidity, which smacks you in the face at 7am and continues throughout the day and evening; and like I said this is just the first week of June.  

In local news, the most well known TG friendly dance club in the area closed their doors last weekend amid rumors that the club no longer desired TG's as customers.  About eight months ago the new owner had placed a sign at the entrance to the back bar stating something to the effect that "Drag was not allowed."  Of course this caused a lot of talk and rumors of discrimination.  Many TG's from around the area stopped coming and there was talk of a boycott.  The sign didn't last long, and things seemed to get back to normal for most, however I have noticed that the crowds were much smaller whenever I visited.  I mean there was a time when the parking lot was packed by 10:30pm and you had to park across the street; and once inside it was wall to wall bodies.  Saturday nights featured two drag shows, which was then cut to one, and two weeks ago the entire show staff was let go, or fired; depending on your perspective.  My last two visits I arrived at 11:30 and midnight and found several parking spaces in the main lot.  For the past three plus years, this place as been the only dance club in the area where most TG's came.  This also attracted a lot of the TG admirers, and for the most part there never seemed to be any problems.  The new owner put a lot of money in the place renovating and improving the look, and I for one was very impressed with the new look.  I can remember back some 15 years ago when the club was a real dive,  had a different name, and was somewhat of a meat market; but also had a excellent drag show.  I really don't know why the placed closed, but I would suspect that like any other business they weren't making enough money.  No cover charge, an eight member drag show, costly renovations, rumors of discrimination against TG's, and not enough alcohol sales; probably wasn't good for business.  This is not the end of the world, but it is kind of sad to see it gone, at least for the time being.

On a personal note, this week I was supposed to meet someone for a drink.  This was something that was planned for a couple of weeks, and although it was planned for the middle of the week I was willing to go out.  As it turned out, this was the week from hell for me, as I had to work late every night this week.  I was expecting a phone call, but that never happened so I ended up staying home.  In someway I was little disappointed because I am trying something that is completely new to me.  But, at the same time I was so tired that I probably would not have been much fun to be around.  I think that in the future I will not accept invitations to go out during the week, as it is too much of a hassle for me and I'm not inclined to go to the extra trouble, especially if I have to work the next day.  The exception to this would be if I am meeting a good friend, or someone that is very special in my life.        

Independence Day - 2003

Well, it has been at least a month since my last entry.  Things have been sort quiet for me lately, not really a lot for me to talk about.  It has also been more than a month since I did any new photos, which is very unusual for me.  I think that the male side of me had a lot going on and he just took over my life completely.  I guess that's okay, as the female side seems to dominate most of my life the rest of the time.  Anyway, it's independence day, so Happy Birthday America!

Last weekend I went with my friend Terri and her SO to the Saturday "Pride" celebration in St Petersburg.  This was the first year and attendance seemed a little low, but then the weather has been terrible, hot, humid, and sticky, with sudden showers throughout the day.  Regardless of the weather, I think it is a great idea and I hope that the organizers will make this a tradition.  Later that evening we headed out to the Suncoast Resort, the first time I have been out all month.  Again the weather was terrible, but I really wanted to get out and so it didn't make a difference.  As it turns out one of the local TG support groups, "Starburst" was having a dinner.  I am not a member of this or any other support group, but I think that groups like this serve a good purpose and are an asset to the TG community.   Several years ago I attended one of their monthly meetings and was very disappointed.  However, since that time the group seems to have gotten a lot better and I was impressed with many of the members and their appearance.  I think what has happened is that some of the local girls have gotten serious, and have worked hard to make the group a place where the newcomer and the experienced TG feels welcome.  One other good thing about that night was that I talked with the SO of one of the girls and learned that they have completed a deal to take over the dance club formerly known as "Lost Boys."  This was really good news, as I do miss the place.  I was told that they expect to reopen sometime towards the end of this month, so whenever that happens I will of course have something to say about the event.  I wish the new owners the best of luck and hope that they can get the support of the community behind them.

A couple of weeks ago I was invited to a birthday party, which is one reason I haven't been out.  Many of the people attending the party where friends that I have know for several years, but only a couple know about Lauren.  The theme of the party was "Fantasy, Fetish, and Fun."  The person that invited me knows a little about Lauren but has never seen me other than as a man.  I suspected that she was hoping that Lauren would show up, but I really wasn't in the mood to come out to these people; and I wasn't feeling that well.  Hind sight being 20/20, I made the right decision to go as a male, as I learned from one of my best friends that someone had outed me already.  Not to everyone, but to a few people, both of who are males and who I have been very close to over the past few years.  The person that told me I had been outed and my golfing friend wanted to know the truth, and so I told them the truth without going into my life story.  This is one of those situations where you hope it won't happen, but since it did, I faced it and came out feeling a lot better about myself and about my friends.  Over the past few years I have isolated from them, as I was afraid to let them know about that part of my life.  In recent months they have been concerned about me, as they haven't seen me as often.  So, for what it was worth the person who outed me actually did me a favor.  At least with these two friends, I know that being TG doesn't change how they feel about me.  As for the person that violated my confidence, well that person was at the party and I considered saying something mean to them.  However, there was nothing to be gained by being mean.  In my life I have learned that people gossip about other people because they have a need to be the center of attention, or maybe they are uncomfortable with their own lives.  That's something that I know first hand, because I used to be one of the those people, but that's not who I am today!   Ironically, I belong to a group in which the individual members are supposed to practice anonymity, but sometimes as humans we fall short.

 There was something else that happened to me recently.  Over the past six weeks  I have gotten several phone calls from people from my past.  Specifically, these calls came from men that I served with while I was in the military in Vietnam.  Yes, for those that don't know me personally I am a veteran of the "Vietnam War," or as some of us often use to say, "We got the silver medal at the Southeast Asia Games."  Seriously though, it has been 33 years this October since I saw or talked with them and the same amount of time since I got on a jet plane and left that beautiful country filled with so much death and destruction.  I think in someway I was more fortunate than some of my fellow soldiers, in that I had no expectations upon my return and I chose to make the military my career.  I spent the next 18 years surrounded by veterans of that conflict, and an ever changing group of young men and women who looked up to our combat experience, our chest full of medals, our combat infantry badges, and our war stories.  The conversations brought back memories of people, places, and event, which I have not thought about for many years.  The Central Highlands, An Khe, Camp Radcliff, and Hong Kong Mountain.  Mostly pleasant memories of a time when I was younger, more idealistic, sometimes scared, and probably just a little crazy.  The names I remember but not always the faces, so I took out a photo album and began to look through it.  For me the war ended on 13 October 1970, which I have always considered to be the first day of the rest of my life.  With everything that has happen in my life since those days, I very rarely think or remember about that period of my life; and the people that I shared so much with.  However, God in his infinite wisdom has put some of these people back into my life for a reason, and just maybe it's because I really need to remember and I need to think about it, but in a healthy way of course.

You know now that I have taken the time to sit down and write something, I guess there was a lot going on in June and maybe I was just to busy to see that.